My Dearest American People,
It has come to my attention that many members of the mainstream media are calling my delayed entrance to the Republican Debate last week “an embarrassment.” This claim is untrue. I have many legitimate, political reasons why I stood in the wing for many minutes, instead of entering onto the stage after that fine man called my name.
First of all, what Obama has to understand, is I am not used to hearing my name said in that kind of debate setting. I was not expecting to hear my name at all that night, and therefore I was very unprepared for what I should do in that moment.
In actuality, I was listening for the announcer to just say “everyone,” because that’s when my campaign manager told me I would have the best chance of jumping in during these debate events.
In all honestly, I was also considering my own personal safety. I was almost afraid to enter the stage, since I heard a member of the audience say something about “carrots and hummus.” I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to find out what a lethal terrorist organization like that could do with access to a vegetable so pointy and so helpful to their vision.
An even more important reason that I took my time entering the stage was because the enemies can attack our electric grid. Now, with their dirty bombs and cyber attacks which they can use simultaneously, they can send nuclear weapons that can explode in our exoatmosphere. In our exoatmosphere, we would have a bomb. So think about that one, Obama.
It was also a political move to say in the wing for such an protracted period of time. I realized eventually that the longer I stood there, the more time my face and my comforting smile would get on the TV. This was a smart move for me, since I am often neglected by the news media in favor of other, louder candidates, for no other reason than that they are more popular with the American people, and have better chances of winning the election. Now, my campaign manager says I should try more of these smart moves, so that maybe I can become a better politician, and do better in the polls than the other politicians. She also says that I should be more knowledgeable on world issues, but as the next leader of the free world, sometimes I have to prioritize.
You might be wondering why I did not end up walking out when Senator Cruz was called, as it appeared I might. The truth is, I am an honest man and felt it would be unjust of me to steal the Senator’s time to shine. Additionally, I didn’t want walk out there together, side by side like a couple of prison buddies. (We in the medical community all know how easy it is to catch the gay.)
You also may have noticed that I did not let the stage hand’s confusing motioning throw me off, either. The stage hand who was motioning to me looked very upset, flapping his hand all around. There is nothing to be upset about, America. (Correction: There is nothing to be upset about, except our children’s lives being in danger due to electric grid carpet bombs and the possibility of me stabbing them with a knife. Both of these are very real threats, I promise you.) I am famous for my quiet strength in the most critical of conditions, and this one was no exception. I remained calm and stood my ground.
To all of the Drumpf-haters out there, I will say that when Mr. Drumpf came to stand next to me, I felt honored by his companionship. And when he flashed me his winning pout–that stopped me in my tracks more than anything else. The way he flouts gravity, by holding his jaw so far up into the rest of his face, day after day, is truly a medical marvel. I was starstruck by this man. He patted me on the shoulder, and I knew everything would be all right. Truthfully, under his gentle touch I began to daydream about my last visit to the Popeyes organization, and this, combined with the warmth of the room, made me become very drowsy.
Even though I may have been asleep, confused, and/or afraid on this night of the Republican Debate, when it comes down to it, it was absolutely my choice decision whether or not to go out on stage.
People are saying this “traffic jam” was planned. This was not planned. If it was planned, I would have tried to defund it already.
Anyway, everyone knows I don’t care about political correctness.
Thank You and Your American Values.
Love,
Dr. Ben Carson
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