Welcome to Shopping Period.
You wake up in the middle of an unfamiliar lecture hall. The professor, an older man wearing a sweater with elbow patches, is droning on about something… physics? philosophy? Who can say…
A syllabus and a half-full water bottle lie on your desk. Do you glance at the syllabus, or try to re-hydrate?
REHYDRATE: Move to Option 1.
SYLLABUS: Move to Option 2.
Option 1: You take a sip from your REI water bottle, and your memory begins to return, if slowly. Your roommate said this class would be a good option for your fourth class slot, because it’s at 3 in the afternoon and the professor doesn’t take attendance. However, it’s becoming clear that remaining here is not an option, unless you want to slip into a deep and everlasting slumber.
Do you quietly pack your bags to leave, or glance at the clock to see how much time is left?
PACK YOUR BAGS: Move to Option 3.
GLANCE AT CLOCK: Move to Option 4.
Option 2: The four sheets of HP Ultra White in front of you are covered in strange runes. You can make out some of them in bits and pieces… “Group project”… “Piazza discussion questions”… “70% of your final grade”… It’s not looking good.
Do you quietly pack your bags to leave, or glance at the clock to see how much time is left?
PACK YOUR BAGS: Move to Option 3.
GLANCE AT CLOCK: Move to Option 4.
Option 3: Your action triggers a disturbance in the Force. First your row begins to stow their laptops, then the row behind you, until the entire lecture hall is filled with the rustling of papers. Confidently, you stand up and plan your exit.
The row to your left is filled with four people, already beginning to file out. The row to your right includes just one student, still sitting. What route do you take?
RIGHT: Move to Option 5.
LEFT: Move to Option 6.
Option 4: It’s 3:51. Your sense of time is a little hazy, but you’re fairly sure that class was supposed to end a minute ago. The professor is still on slide 24 of 35, which you can tell because he’s not in presentation mode on PowerPoint. You’re beginning to get that weird, sleepy pain behind your eyelids that’s usually reserved for nights when you’ve sustained yourself on only red wine and mozzarella sticks.
Do you pack your bags and head out, or try to subtly get the professor’s attention?
PACK YOUR BAGS: Move to Option 3.
ALERT THE PROFESSOR: Move to Option 7.
Option 5: As you begin your walk to the right, the sole student impeding your movement raises her hand. “Excuse me, sir, but would you mind talking about how your research relates to the course material?” “Well, young lady, my research relates to everything.” He’s off. He closes his laptop, opens a fridge-sized book on his desk, and begins reading. The girl sits in rapt attention. Intro to Poetry starts in five minutes, and if you’re not there for the lottery at the beginning, you lose any chance at a spot.
Do you leap over the girl, or politely scooch around her?
LEAP: Move to Option 8.
SCOOCH: Move to Option 9.
Option 6: A bottleneck forms at the back of the classroom. Two hours pass. News helicopters arrive. Red Cross volunteers pass out food. On the fifteenth day, you die of thirst. REI water bottles are not known for their storage quantities. END.
Option 7: You give a subtle cough. “Hem hem.” No acknowledgement. One more. “GACK!” Nothing. A few minutes pass, and you are coughing violently. You can no longer control it. You wheeze out one last breath and collapse on the freshman sitting in front of you. END.
Option 8: You jump and crack your skull on the floor and die. I don’t know what else you expected. END.
Option 9: You make your way past her and escape to freedom. You dash into Poetry with seconds to spare and manage to write your name on a notecard before the professor draws the students who will be allowed to enroll. He doesn’t pick your name. And then you die. END.
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