College introduces a lot of independence and freedom into most people’s lives. That means that breaks spent at home re-introduce restrictions that can sometimes be hard to cope with. But don’t despair—instead, use your parents’ loving, good-hearted form of stalking as inspiration. With these simple steps, you too can stalk like a parent.
- Check in often. Send lots of texts asking for the specifics of your stalkee’s plans, including what they’re doing, where they are, and who they’re with. Memorize everything you’re told so that any incongruities in their story are immediately evident.
- If you can’t be omniscient and omnipresent, then seem omniscient and omnipresent. Ideally, your stalkee will always be slightly on edge, discomforted by the constant question of what you would think about what they’re doing right then.
- Make threats. Retain all the power by threatening to punish your stalkee if they disappoint you. Be prepared to follow through, so your stalkee knows that you’re not messing around.
- Occasionally refuse to let them leave. When you have your stalkee in a space that you control, tell them they aren’t allowed to leave until you say so. Think of an excuse for why—it doesn’t have to be great.
- Remember all relevant data, even if it might not still apply, even if you don’t remember it perfectly. Focus on obscure facts your stalkee tells you about the people they hang out with, and bring them up regularly. An ideal exchange would be:
You: “You’re going with Ryan? You told me that boy sells weed plants.”
Stalkee: “He worked at a regular nursery, for one summer, years ago. Will you ever forget that?”
- Go through their things. Sometimes information just isn’t forthcoming enough through other avenues. Set up a room with the suggestion that it is your stalkee’s private space, but go in regularly anyways to rifle through stuff randomly.
- Do it all with the overwhelming love of a parent for their child.
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