Word on the street says it’s cuffing season. And by street, I mean the New York Times. Yeah, I don’t know exactly when the NYT articles showing up on my Facebook feed shifted from world politics to romance, and sex advice, but it was soon after I liked the Modern Love Essays page on Facebook.
Now I am just keeping to myself, Facebook stalking hot dudes, when this article pops up on cuffing season. It pictures two octopuses (octopi?) wearing scarves, and hats, trying to use their tentacles to make out with each other. Needless to say, I was intrigued, and vaguely aroused. What do they mean cuffing? It seems counter-intuitive, because the winter is usually when I stop cuffing my jeans to avoid drafty ankles (a very serious problem). Also, it should be noted that I only started cuffing my jeans when someone on a field trip announced, “if you’re not cuffing your jeans in 2014, I don’t know man…”, and I was like f**k, I should really start cuffing my jeans – didn’t realize matters were so serious.
I did some research, and evidently cuffing is a term from the Northeast (because apparently I am not from the Northeast?) meant to convey the not-so-phenomenal phenomenon of people settling down in exclusive relationships as the weather gets chilly, for the sake of cuddling, and conserving body heat. I am pro-all things lazy and vaguely hibernation-inclined, so I was already down upon reading this. Then I remembered I was single, and I had also already committed to being super hairy this month. I looked at myself in the mirror, and experienced a sobering realization that is usually reserved for feral cats: How will I survive the winter?
I guess a normal person would just cuddle with their friends when things got dark and snowy, but I cannot do that. See, I am really stingy with physical affection. Not because my hugs are anything sacred – in fact, my discomfort with cuddling makes my hugs particularly lackluster. This all stems back to middle school, when my first real best girlfriend told me that real BFFs don’t hug, and I was so desperate to please I responded “YEAH I TOTALLY AGREE, AFFECTION IS FOR TOOLS!” and basically everything has been awkward handshakes and therapy sessions since. However, that is totally material for another post.
Instead of complaining about how I can’t brush arms with a non-family member without feeling sexually confused/afraid that I’m pregnant, I am here to provide some much-needed tips to weirdo singles like myself.
HOW TO CUDDLE YOURSELF (no vibrator required):
First, set the mood. If you were going to have a real flesh and body person over for a cuddle-sesh, you wouldn’t have your room looking gross, or your bed unmade. Tidy things up, and tuck your sheets in nice and tight. Light some candles, maybe some incense, and cue up some music. Think coffee shop/sweater weather music, or Marvin Gaye. It really depends on the ambience you want.
Next, let’s evaluate the bedding that you’re working with. Do you find your blankets too flimsy? Fuzzy blankets may feel, well, fuzzy, but there is a psycho-physical aspect of laying beneath a heavy quilt that makes one feel quite secure. If you don’t feel swaddled enough, try upgrading to a comforter! It’s also great for those who have trouble falling asleep. Plus, if you stuff it between your legs and hold it between your arms, it’s almost like sleeping next to another human being!
Don’t like the idea of holding something as large and unwieldy as a blanket? Head down to your nearest toy store and buy a stuffed animal. Make sure the plush item in question is large and squishy enough to be properly squeezed. Hold this stuffed animal as you go to sleep and squeeze the living daylights out of it. The one benefit to sharing your bed with an inanimate object: no matter how much you suffocate it with your unrequited love, you won’t cut off its air supply, and there’s no potential to be charged with manslaughter.
Finally, if it is a human touch that you crave: try sleeping naked and literally spooning yourself. It sounds weird, but there are certain positions that give the illusion of an affectionate bedmate, while still being utterly alone (just the way you like it). You can even hold your own hand – which sounds super weird, but feels really nice. For added effect, close your eyes, and maybe let one of your hands get pins and needles to trick your brain into thinking you’re finger-locking with another person.
You wouldn’t be wrong to call all these tips pathetic, but they’re also very useful. All humans like to be held. It’s calming, and it feels safe. Mammals in general enjoy being held. And yet, not everyone is in the (literal) position to get all of those good oxytocin freebies. Sometimes, you want the hormonal benefits of a cuddle buddy without the emotional strings that come with other sentient beings, and that is when this advice comes in self-handy.
P.S. It’s not like using a vibrator is off-limits. I won’t judge.
Image via Caitlin Dorman ’16.