The Ivy League Campus Story. I know you’ve heard of it. I know you’re obsessed with it. Don’t try to hide it from me. I can see it in your eyes. The desperation. The longing. The despair. The eyes of someone who has never made it onto Campus Story. You were a celebrity last year when Brown’s own Campus Story still existed. Your Snapchats were accepted left and right. You had thousands of views and quickly gained popularity on campus. But with the advent of the Ivy League Campus Story, you’ve hit a wall. Is this finally the end of your Snapchat career?
You who submits 50 Snapchats a day and never gets accepted. You who anxiously awaits the opportunity to show your genius to the other Ivies. You who desires to prove that Brown really is the best Ivy. Fear not. I am here to help you. Your Ivy League Campus Story fairy godmother has arrived.
I’m an old pro at this now. That’s right. Two of my Snapchats got accepted. 19k views each. I know you want to be me. Rumor has it that the acceptance rate in the Ivy League Campus Story is lower than the rate for getting into the actual Ivy League. This is 100% correct. The Snapchat lords won’t just accept any measly video. They’re looking for creativity, ingenuity, and originality. I know exactly what they want.
Shirtless men. The more the better. The Snapchat lords are thrilled by bulging muscles, weights, and gyms. They are particularly obsessed with the word “gains.” What are “gains,” you may ask? Well, don’t ask me. I’m not an athlete. But from what I can gather, they seem to be a very bro thing. So grab your dudes, bros, and dude-bros, swipe into the Nelson, take off your shirts, and show off your sick “gains” to the rest of the Ivy-verse.
Ivy League challenges. What’s better than some passive-aggressive friendly competition between the 8 Ivies? Imagine a bunch of elementary school kids who try to one-up each other for more attention and then call each other out for not being as good. Welcome to Ivy League Campus Story. The only difference is everyone is older and sadder. Be ready to show off everything that you’ve got. Your amazing voice. Your ability to kick a soccer ball around without it touching the floor. Your record-breaking pushup speed. Have no talents whatsoever? Let’s move on.
GOOOOOO, SPORTS TEAM! Ah yes. Athletics. This is what the Ivy League is known for. Sports. This is probably your best shot at getting onto Campus Story. The Snapchat lords love school spirit, touchdowns, and loud cheers. There’s only one drawback. You actually have to go to a sports game. And I know you don’t even know where the football stadium is.
Inter-ivy romance. The best way to hit on someone is through Snapchat, right? It seems the Snapchat lords are keen on balancing competition and love between the Ivies. If you’re watching Campus Story and someone’s beauty immediately catches your eye, there’s only one thing to do. Submit a Snapchat saying how cute or hot that person is. That’s definitely not creepy. I mean, what’s more romantic than asking out complete strangers over a video messaging app? A few years from now, we’ll be hearing stories of people meeting their spouses over Snapchat while hundreds of miles apart from one another. Move over, Tinder. The reign of Snapchat has only just begun.
The Band. Just join the Band and you’ll get on eventually. Trust me.
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