A Job-Seeker’s Guide to the Galaxy

As September rolled around and I made my plans for Brown, a brighter-eyed, bushier-tailed version of myself prepared countless resumes and cover letters for the dreaded on-campus job application process. And now, as fall makes its sweep of New England, students across campuses everywhere are once again sorting out employment for the upcoming spring semester—and for summer if you tend toward overachievement. But don’t panic as your inbox accumulates job notification emails! Instead, read this comprehensive guide to getting a job at Brown (and don’t make the same mistakes I did!).

Step 1: Create a resume. This is arguably both the most important and most challenging part of the application process: most important because first impressions are crucial, and most challenging because you have to magically convert a hauntingly blank, white sheet of computer paper into a document that seduces future employers. This was particularly difficult for me because as my peers were interning with cool, important people and “making connections,” I was sweating while making waffle cones and lifting heavy tubs of hard scoop ice cream out of walk-in freezers. And yet, I managed to convince my future employers that ice cream scooping was good experience in customer service. The key here is to use ~descriptive verbs~.

Here are some examples:

Instead of “I scooped ice cream,” try “Catered to patrons within the hypothermal food service industry.”  Instead of “I raked leaves for my neighbors,” try “Created and maintained a lawn and garden organizational system”; “Managed entrepreneurial landscaping endeavors.”  Instead of “I walked dogs,” try “Corralled canines.”

Obviously put the most recent, important things first, but by the bottom of the page you can fill in all that white space with irrelevant high school awards. “Sixth Grade Tae Kwon Do Champion” is acceptable, but should be last.

Step 2: Hunt for job opportunities. Brown has so many great resources for this! Check out the Brown Student Employment Database. There are literally a hundred job postings on there, and yet I somehow ended up with four or so that I actually applied for. I have scooped ice cream, filed and photocopied for six hours straight five days a week, and snow blown yards at the ripe age of twelve, but there are some jobs that I immediately, if foolishly, eliminate. I cannot babysit. I have immense respect for babysitters: you are undervalued and underpaid. I once was hired to babysit, a gross mistake on the part of the family that agreed to let thirteen-year-old me watch their children (someone ended up peeing on the floor, I’d rather not say who). Lifeguarding is also out for me: I had a near-death experience involving swimming once, I’m too self-conscious in a bathing suit, and my pasty skin burns like toast.

Try to avoid eliminating too many jobs like I did, and rather, to apply for as many as possible, even those that don’t seem even remotely relevant to your interests, or those that you might not be qualified for. I read an article one time that said that even if men see that they might not be qualified for a job, they apply for it anyway. Women, on the other hand, don’t apply if they see they might not quite be qualified. This is ridiculous. Apply to every job, no matter how outlandish or advanced. Are you a freshman philosophy major? Should you still apply to that summer internship at Goldman Sachs? Why the fuck not, because statistically speaking, if you apply for every single job, you’re bound to get one eventually, right? That mathematically makes sense, doesn’t it?

Once you decide to apply for a job, think about reformulating your resume to highlight relevant experience. Example: social media intern. Try “Filtered photographs; composed hashtags.” Apply.

Step 3: Interview. Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you have already invested too much time into this process to quit now. You have an interview. First, you need to put together the perfect interview outfit. It needs to say “tasteful young professional who didn’t eat leftover pizza for breakfast this morning or stay up until 3am last night reading Buzzfeed posts about cats.” Consider a blazer. When you get to the interview, shake hands firmly and make eye contact. Be nice, but not too nice. You wouldn’t want them to think you’re not powerful or responsible or mature. Try and at least Google the company before you go in for the interview, so that you have some sense of what it is that they do exactly. The key to good interviewing is to circumlocute the shit out of them. If they ask you a question and you don’t know the answer, begin talking like you’re going to answer the question, but slyly change the subject and discuss something else positive about their company or their work. When in doubt, flatter shamelessly.

Example:

“What about this position makes it attractive to you, specifically?”

“Well, I feel confident that I have the experience to perform the necessary tasks for this position, and I would love to work for you in general, because I really appreciate your work, the strides you’re taking, and what you are doing for the community.”

After a performance like that, they should give you the job immediately. Your years of ice cream scooping experience have well prepared you. You are a glorious, blazer-clad, capable young mind, and if, for some reason, your potential employer can’t see that, it’s their loss.

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