What to Do With Your Halloween Candy

It’s November 1. You’re lying in your bed (possibly hungover from last night’s festivities), enjoying that extra hour of Daylight Savings Time, when suddenly, your foot hits something. Or, rather, somethings. Lots of things, little things. Unsure of what’s going on, you peer over your bedsheets. And then you see it – your Halloween candy. There’s a huge pile lying at the foot of your bed. And there’s a lot of it, more than you can comprehend. And it’s taking up an unnecessary amount of room. Suddenly alert, you bolt upright. Your mind starts racing. What do I do with all of this shit?! At first, you turn to the wise and trustworthy Google for advice in this desperate time. Unfortunately, the only results involve creative (and unrealistic) Pinterest recipes and arts-and-crafts ideas from parental advice columns. Frustrated, you shut off your laptop and sigh. Now what?

Never fear, my candy-loathing friends. Here are some ideas on how to deal with these leftover bits of sugar and sweetness:

Eat it all!

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Very practical if you’re low on meal credits and points.

Burn it for warmth

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This cool fall breeze won’t last forever!

Play real-life Candy Crush

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Make sure to get some real hammers too!

Get a cavity and get a checkup from a really cute dentist

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“Man, those 10 Hershey bars were so worth it!”

Get a cavity and get a checkup by a not really cute dentist

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“I’m never eating chocolate again.”

Buy a piñata

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“Guys, let’s have a piñata party!” “But piñatas don’t come pre-filled with candy.” “THAT’S OKAY I’VE GOT IT COVERED.”

Throw it at your enemies

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It’s small enough to be annoying, but not large enough to actually do real damage.

Bribe everyone with it

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“So I’ll give you three packs of Sour Straws in exchange for…?”

Save it for next year

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Think about how much money you’ll save!

Candy-bedazzle everyday objects

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Like your desk, your computer, your toilet…

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