by Ali MacLeod and Sarah Master
Welcome to our first Rib Beef – a segment where two writers face off about an issue that matters to us. This week: Is Kanye West a waste of space? Or is he really ‘Yeezus?’
Pro-Kanye: Guys, Kanye West is not that bad, okay? In fact, Kanye West is pretty great. He makes music, fashion, and really stunning art. Some – mainly, himself – might even call him a genius. For my first point, let’s turn to Exhibit A:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jg5wkZ-dJXA]
Okay, so you don’t have to watch the whole thing. A 35-minute music video is quite the commitment. But you have to admit – the music, vibe, and color scheme are all ON POINT. I have watched this entire thing several times. So yeah, maybe Kanye has more self-confidence than the average grub, but even if he’s not a genius, he has some real-ass talent. And to everyone that has a problem with Kanye calling himself a genius: I have a problem with you. Many, many people have dubbed themselves geniuses, but that douche in your CS class didn’t get booed by a stadium full of people, did he? He didn’t get a petition started to have him removed from the lineup of a music festival, did he? Leave Kanye alone!! You mean-ass people are far worse to him than he has ever been to you. Honestly, what has he done to make everyone so angry? Have self confidence? Make rap music? Interrupt Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMA’s (newsflash: Taylor Swift is evil, anyway, so YES Kanye, you go!!!)?
Con-ye: Kanye West is a megalomaniac, and his nickname sounds like a brand of knockoff Cheez Whiz. Yeezy™, for all your cheesy snack needs. He’s either the most genuinely misguided and overconfident celebrity this side of Tom Cruise, or he’s got a publicity team keen on proving just how close the chemical receptors for “love” and “hate” are in the human brain. And this video is just another piece of evidence in my favor.
Consider the length. Thirty-five minutes long. You have to be a special kind of egotistical to assume that you can hold the average YouTube user’s attention for that long. And given the fact that my attention span is shorter than the average goldfish’s, there’s no way in hell I’m going to watch Kanye’s shitty art video just to prove you wrong. Luckily, I have a crowdsourced team of reasonable, articulate, and unbiased individuals who have watched the video. Yes: I’m going to let the YouTube commenters prove my point for me.
Let’s have our friend ret_i open with a summary. “The story of how Kanye fucked a bird lady. Narrated by Nicki Minaj.” Does it say something about Kanye that I’m honestly not surprised?
In the words of Kyle Massey: “Well, that was time wasted I’ll never get back.” Right on, Kyle. Also, do you still live in the White House?
And the stirring AMV200: “kante west is the anti cchrist. Kanye/cain….cain is a fugitive and a vagabond…which is why thy are showing kanye aka cain running away and the film is called runway….jesus christ aka the son of man is the fugitivve and the vagabond hence ‘a certain man said unto him lord i will follow thee wheresoever thou goest and jesus said unto him, foxes have holes birs of the air have nest but THE SON OF MAN HATH NOT WHERE TO LAY HIS HEAD’…jesus christ has proclaimed that he was a fugitive and a vagabond….the end is near”
Can’t argue with that logic. Now, let’s introduce Exhibit B.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9x92nwGf_M]
Pro-Kanye: Oh, as if that’s any evidence in your favor. This is a man with AMBITION. This is a man with a DREAM. This is a man in an amazing all-beige outfit! This is a man who’s been beat down, silenced, and mocked since he told the world that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” (and I’ll personally lick the bottom of your shoe if you can prove him incorrect about that). This is the candidate America NEEDS! He’s honest, charismatic, and an incredible family man. And if you disagree with me, well… “FUCK THAT, BRO!”
I mean, let’s bring in Exhibit C:
Look what a good dude he is. Look how much he loves his wife. Tell me that’s not really cute in a typical self-congratulatory Kanye way. Look at that family, getting their daughter baptized in a modest all-white-angel-combo and a Mary-mother-of-Jesus-with-butt-implants headdress and skirt. Look at North West, for God’s sake. Look how she is the embodiment of the baby we all wish we could have been, lying asleep on Kim Kardashian, being cradled in a pair of million-dollar-arms, and still not giving a fuck. She’s probably drooling on Kim’s shirt, which cost as much as my house. Look at the amazing human being Kanye and Kim produced. She’s two and already way cooler than any of us.
Which leads me to Exhibit D:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WibQR0tQ0P8]
THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT IN THE WORLD, IS IT NOT? Here’s poor old humble-pie Kanye, practically on his knees begging the world to love him again, singing a song with Paul McCartney about his mom (whom he loves with his entire heart) and his daughter (who is obviously the light of his life).
Like, LOL. Look at that baby. Look at that mean mug (she got it from her dad). And don’t even get me started on how Kanye proposed to Kim (let’s just say, she doesn’t deserve him). Honestly, I could talk about Kanye for days, so I’ll just let Kanye speak for himself and leave you all with this, Exhibit E:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsO6ZnUZI0g]
Con-ye: How could you, Sarah? How could you bring North West into this? You know I can’t argue with that face.
God dammit. Fine. You win. Anyone who helped bring something that cute into the world can’t be all bad.
