In a recent interview with the Brown Noser that definitely is not fabricated, the publication stated they will not accept any hot applicants because it undermines the Noser Core values. In the totally real conversation we had with a tragically asymmetrical Brown Noser man, he explained that the Sacred Noser Texts state:
- A man of goofiness is a man of great nobility, for it is in lightheartedness that true wisdom often resides.
- Let not one’s outward form be the measure of his worth, but rather the keenness of his mind and the depth of his humor.
- It’s okay to be a little bad at sex.
“Since its beginnings, comedy has been spread by men of odd-proportions or unusual facial composition,” he explained. He went on,“this is how it has always been. The cost of admission to the carnival of comedy is the forfeiture of one’s physical blessings. But in today’s ever-shallowing world, we have lost sight of this. We have allowed lust and handsome charm to influence who we chose to be the jesters of today’s social court. We have let symmetric-faced comedians like Matt Rife penetrate the sacred circle of satire, when we really only want them to penetrate something else…”
“In short, the world has strayed from the true nature of comedy,” the Noser man continued. “But at the Noser we are defending it. For too long now, funny-looking, lanky white men have had so much talent with no outlet for it. For too long they have been called ‘virgin,’ ‘freak,’ and ‘hard to look at.’ Not anymore. Not if the Noser has anything to do with it. In the real world, people bow to pretty privilege, but here we transcend those impossible standards. Here we place value on what really matters—how goofy of a guy you can be—and share it with the world.”
“So you see,” he concluded, “we simply cannot allow a hot person to write for the Noser. It would violate everything we stand for. Sorry, hot people, but you’re just gonna have to write for another comedy publication. Maybe apply to The Rib?”