The Rib’s intrepid dining hall reporters recently were served a piping-hot plate of tea, straight from the smallest and furriest residents of the Sharpe Refectory, aka the Ratty: rats themselves. “You woulda thought after nicknaming a dining hall after us, they would TRY to make this space more inclusive” a tearful rat stated when interviewed.
The rodents have resorted to using Kosher muffins as seating arrangements. “It’s not much, but we’ve made do with what we’ve been given.” said the Senior Staff Manager rat.
But some residents have seen these inaccessible spaces turn dangerous. “Fear has become an almost tangible smell here, mixing with notes of pizza sauce and Lemon Pepper Tofu” one big-boned rat shared, shaking his large, fat head sadly. A “great tragedy” has fallen upon his brethren. “Ya see, my Uncle Ferdanand, he drowned in the Vegan Lentil Soup last semester, it was devastating. RIP Unc!” He went on, “The accident could have been avoided with better, more rat-friendly soup containers.”
Members of the community share similar sentiments. Rat activists and supporters are set to stage a sit-in protest in the comfort line this coming April, in hopes of seeing some reform in the dining hall. “It’s been really nice to see the overwhelming support from the rodent community,” one activist stated. “Like, the squirrels have been really showing up to our rallies. They’re a little nuts though; they throw acorns at the dining workers.”
The activists have also received positive feedback from the humans who dwell at the Ratty for extended periods of time, the group calling themselves the Refectory Round Table, for some reason. One “knight” offered clarification: “Ya know, like King Arthur?” Whatever that means.
The dwellers have grown to appear suspiciously rat-like themselves. “We need to see some change around here.” One human supporter shared, stroking his whisker-y facial hair.
When asked for a statement, the dining hall staff declined to comment.
“It’s heartbreaking to see how the rats, the true long-time residents of the Ratty, are being treated as second-class citizens in their own domain. The fact that they’re forced to settle for Kosher muffins as seating and risk death from ill-equipped soup containers speaks volumes about the lack of thought put into their safety and comfort. If we truly care about inclusivity, it’s not enough to just slap a name on a dining hall—we need to rethink the entire system and create spaces that accommodate all members of the community, human and rodent alike. Until then, we should stand with those fighting for real, tangible change. The rats deserve better than this!”