As long as I can remember, I have only wanted to possess a single thing: an authentic 19th century penny farthing bicycle.
As a child, I used to stare obsessively at the replica encased in my local Cracker Barrel. Why? It looks Cool as Fuck. Like, my god. Have you ever seen anyone with more sex appeal than a dapper young lad perched delicately upon the saddle of his penny farthing’s large central wheel, eyes sparkling with excitement at the adventures that await him? I rest my case.
Unfortunately, I find myself consistently let down during the holidays, despite being a Sagittarius from a mixed-faith family (and hence, having 3x the celebration). This year, my birthday went by: no penny farthing. Come Christmas: again, no penny farthing. Lucky for me, there are still four more days of Hanukkah, so it’s not too late. Mom, Dad, if you’re still unpersuaded, here are several reasons why the penny farthing makes a perfect gift:
First, it’s classy. There’s nothing more embarrassing than running late to your 10am class on a bright orange scooter behind groups of athletes on much bigger, cooler scooters. Why not ride in style instead? Vintage is in, and the penny farthing’s old-timey British vibe simply screams class, elegance, and “feck off ya cunt!”
Next, it adds a whiff of danger to your life. When the penny-farthing was in its hey-day, it killed scores of people by launching them face first any time they hit a pebble. As an aspiring bad girl, I’m just dying to give myself some extra edge. Because nothing screams danger like the fact that you might die every time you travel down College Hill.
Third. I love attention. Why blend in with the crowd on an average sized bicycle when I can stand out? 10 feet tall to be exact? The penny farthing is known for its unique and eye-catching design that elevates you above your peers. It will definitely make me a trend-setter.
So, Mom, Dad, this holiday season, don’t be a Scrooge. Dig deep into your hearts and fulfill your child’s greatest wish. Celebrate the festival of lights by adding some extra light to her life. And maybe you’ll get something out of it too—just think of how cool you’ll look when your daughter rides her very own obsolete Victorian bicycle around the neighborhood.