In the wake of the reelection of he-who-shall-not-be-named, many Democratic consumers are concerned with the ethics of buying Tesla products, as the company’s South African nihilist founder is soon to be appointed as the Second-and-a-half Commander in Chief. In an interview with an anxious New York transplant, we gained insight into consumer habits. “I just don’t feel comfortable giving my father’s hard-earned money to a company that does not align with my values. For example, I stopped flying Delta for my weekly trips to my mom’s place in LA back to my dad’s penthouse in NYC because I heard that they were anti-Palestine. I just want to support sustainable brands that are for the people,” they stated as they held their Starbucks coffee and sported a brand-new Zara sweat-set.
The Democratic Party, in a last ditch effort to gain some popularity after fucking up–oh I mean, underestimating the support for their candidate in this past election–has released a line of new vehicles, fully powered by alternative fuels: the Lib-aru, the Chrys-anti-slur, and the Mer-they-des Benz. Initially dubbed the Lam-Bern-ghini, the party had to revise the name as Bernie Sanders himself did not endorse the product and was reported as stating: “I am asking you once again to leave me alone.” However, Oatly has endorsed the product! The brand new libbed-out cars will include free masks for those who still believe in Covid, blue hair dye for every day reapplication, and a free sticker that says “All girls do is be bisexual, eat hot chip, and lie.” The cars will also only allow Megan Thee Stallion, Lady Gaga, and Beyoncé to play at all times. Chappell Roan is absolutely prohibited (sorry guys).
At the quarterly Fed meeting, Jerome Powell announced, “This will be great for the economy! Call it the Green New Wheel!” he chuckled. “When Trump raises tariffs and destroys all the hard work that good ol’ Joe has done for the country, the California-based production will stimulate the economy more than those silly computer chips ever did.” When asked who will purchase the cars with Trump’s threats to arrest those who do not worship him like a deity, Powell gave no comment. The cars will run on Yerba Mates, $12 iced chai oat milk lattes from “local” coffee shops, and the blood, sweat, and tears of underpaid Amazon workers. An electric option will also be available, with power generated by Peloton instructors on bikes and pilates machines installed inside of gay nightclubs (not lesbian bars though, because there are only 30 in the entire U.S.). In order to qualify to buy these cars, one must prove that they are from a blue state, have parents that are in the 1% but have a Venmo history of requesting their friends for amounts under $5, and a membership for Pinterest premium.
The company releasing the new cars, TraderJoes-Disney-Sony-Duolingo-Apple Inc., plans to set the starting price as $250,000 plus a required a capella performance of Darren Criss’ “Somewhere Only We Know.” They have promised to throw in a free Peacock subscription as well (with ads, of course)! The fall of democracy has its perks, and while the seas may be rising in all the places where abortion is legal (coincidence? I think not.), Democrats can be rest assured that they are giving their money to a reliable and sustainable company. Edit: Peloton has pulled its stake in the company so fracking will replace the electric aspect – thanks for the suggestion, Kamala!