Our fellow Americans,
The day is finally here: Election Day, 2024. As you might have heard from every conversation you’ve had with your parents in the last month, this is the most consequential election of our lifetime. What we’re seeing are razor-thin polling results in several major swing states. And what’s more, there’s indication that many voters still have not made up their minds on which candidate to support. Given that the Rib has undeniable political sway, we decided that we can no longer stay silent (SO LISTEN UP PENNSYLVANIA BADDIES):
The Rib endorses former UCS president Ricky Zhong as President of the United States of America. In the 2022 UCS election, he defeated a populist edgelord—proof that he’s equipped to lead our country. If anybody can save democracy, it’s definitely former student government leaders on college campuses.
And to all our freshman and sophomore first-time voters out there, we say: just trust us on this one. Don’t know who Ricky Zhong is? After the @brownumemes admin and investment-banking nepo-baby Chas Steinbrugge was wrongly declared UCS president, Ricky contested, forced a runoff, and ultimately won the election. Naturally, this process resulted in lots of whining from Chas and claims of a stolen election. Sound familiar? We know.
Ricky’s savvy ability to reach across disparate segments of the population and bring together a coalition of goth RISD dual degrees, overworked Brown Daily Herald copy editors, and recently injured student athletes makes him a strong candidate to unite the country. Zhong also has the advantage of not coming from an established political party–as voters indicate, we’re in desperate need of reform from the two-party system.
Nikki Clinton, a prospective voter from DeKalb County, Georgia, told us, “Well, my main concerns in this election are abortion and gun ownership. I don’t trust either candidate to protect my right to buy assault rifles at the abortion clinic, so I feel like I’m in a pretty tough position for this upcoming election day.”
Another frustrated voter from the Las Vegas area, Barack Romney, expressed his concerns about providing access to gender-affirming healthcare to border patrol. “I just don’t think there are any candidates who have the same priorities that I do.”
To them we say: reject the two-party system! Vote for Ricky!