In a Biblical plague worthy of seven days of feasts and sung praises, That Creep From High School is now bald—and probably doing really poorly. That’s right; your years of penitent fasting and wearing H&M, the closest thing to sackcloth, finally paid off! On Monday, the home-towner updated his profile picture on Instagram to include a well-positioned baseball cap. Further investigation revealed tagged posts showing the weirdo’s gleaming dome and a series of headshots on LinkedIn that left witnesses craving the protein of hard-boiled eggs and biotin supplements.
Countywide, scorned women are rejoicing, as this development proves the existence of a female God of the Old Testament, who defies gender roles by aging with visibility, grace, and a sense of humor. Church elders convened on Tuesday to discuss the influx of women joining and then leaving local churches after refusing to let a man dictate when and what they speak for an hour. Elsewhere, the Vatican has even released a press statement requesting the crowds of women outside the city gates to stop asking Pope Francis to remove his “huge, ugly hat” and prove he, too, has not been righteously punished with baldness.
Scientists are grappling to disprove this newest miracle, citing genetics and the accused’s diet of nothing but Red Bull and misogyny since graduation. Still, the non-male county citizens have erected a temple where any girl ever asked “Where my hug at?” can seek refuge and offer sacrifices of Nair and deodorant for protection.
This week’s revelations provoke new questions about the future of the faith: where will God work her might next? Will the pervy gym teacher who liked to leave the women’s changing rooms unlocked awake to find his Playboy magazines eaten by locusts? Will she steal the tongues from podcast alphas? Will our fathers, who art in-the-wrong, start apologizing and expressing their feelings? Let us pray.