Every year, white people never cease to amaze me with the offensiveness of their Halloween costumes. Like seriously, who raised you? Just remember: no dressing up as a “sexy” Native American (although, as a sexy Native American myself, I can see why you’d want to be me), no serial killers, and can we please make it socially unacceptable to dress up as Hugh Hefner? (Seriously, ew.) But don’t worry! To protect society from the evils of socially irresponsible costumes this Halloween, I’ve compiled the perfect list of woke costumes for you that will not offend even the most sensitive snowflakes.
- A Carton of Oat Milk
This year, why not dress up as a drink that says, “I care about the planet and I go great with your $8 latte.” This will certainly make up for that time you accidentally asked for 2% milk at the Underground and felt the barista’s disapproving gaze.
- A Tote Bag
Want to look like the hottest accessory at a Sunrise meeting? You may not be the most practical way to haul around books and groceries, but hey! Halloween costumes are about looks, not practicality, duh!
- A Paper Straw
Single-use plastics are so out! Just make sure not to submerge yourself in liquid or you will become soggy and break.
- A Safe Space
Bring a comforting presence to any party you attend this Halloween. As a walking safe space, you’ll be an invitation for open conversation and healing in a world that often feels cruel.
- An Acknowledgment of Your Privilege
Show everyone how aware you are, without like, actually having to confront anything directly.
- A Postmodern Critique of Halloween Itself
Bring intellectualism into Halloween by starting a philosophical discussion. Your postmodern cyborg assemblage will invite conversations about deconstructing Halloween, including the commodification of fear, the transactional nature of trick-or-treating, and the performance of identity through costume, leaving everyone deep in thought.
- A Plant-Based Burger
Turn yourself into a hot, sexy, guilt-free hunk of meat—err, I mean, hunk of soybeans and stuff.
- A Coexist Bumper Sticker
Dress up as the ultimate symbol of harmony this Halloween! You can even make it a couples costume by having your partner dress up as a Subaru.
- A Rainbow
Yassss! Love and acceptance!!!!!
- A Trigger Warning
If you can’t keep yourself from being offensive this Halloween, at least give everyone around you a heads-up.
Illustration by Celisse Sanchez