This Wednesday at 4:20pm, students exiting Sayles at the exact wrong time witnessed Brown University President Christina Paxson’s big toe get run over by main green skateboarders while she walked her poodle. The poodle sustained no injuries.
An ambulance immediately rushed Christina to Health Services, where CAPS therapists on their lunch breaks put a Band-Aid over her pink toenail polish. Christina, though, is already taking preventative measures to ensure no one feels mildly embarrassed in front of Sayles ever again. A representative from SAO commented: “President Paxson has been fielding numerous complaints about that one guy with the long hair who decides his kickflip needs to happen between 2:50 pm and 3:00 pm. Now that she’s been personally victimized, she’s cracking down.”
Effective immediately, two student leaders from every SAO-recognized organization will be required to complete the new StandUp to Skating module. This thirteen-hour training includes comprehensive training on ways to smell a skateboarder from multiple yards away, procedures for reporting amateur skateboarders to your local police, and the appropriate slurs to use when telling skateboarders to stop skating on a public walkway when you’re trying to get to your class all the way in Orwig and you’re already late.
“I didn’t understand before, but I do now: this is discrimination, and I won’t stand for it. First, StandUp to Skateboarding. Next, I pledge to erect a very climb-able sculpture of a medium-sized skateboard that is halfway dug into the ground on the Quiet Green. This will represent the hardships of all people who have walked past Sayles at inopportune times on slightly sunny days, because this is very similar to the institution of slavery,” Paxson commented, in a multi-page address to the student body with a misleadingly neutral subject line. “Because I feel so strongly about this cause, I will be matching donations for this memorial up to fifty dollars and half a subway sandwich.”
Christina Paxson’s poodle declined to comment.