In recent years, the world has been experiencing a shortage of Adderall and many other stimulant medications, leaving both middle-aged men and prep school students alike bereft of much-needed attention/party enhancers.
Reports show that after your mom’s book club, Ivy League campuses are among the most affected places! And hey, I get it: when I’m off my meds, I go crazy. Sometimes, I even hear voices. (Usually in the morning, telling me to get out of bed). So, as your resident neurodivergent, I thought I would tell you guys what I do when I’m unmedicated. Who knows? Maybe it’ll help!
1. Lie in bed
The first thing I usually do when I’m unmedicated is simply not get out of bed. Now, this sounds unhealthy, but if you really commit, around 2pm, you should get a burst of energy when you look at the clock and realise you’ve been scrolling TikTok for 6 hours. Admittedly, this one isn’t foolproof, because it’s always a bit of a gamble whether the energy burst gets you out of bed or simply fades after 30 seconds, leaving you to wander down to Andrews at 7pm in search of sustenance. But it’s always worth a shot, just in case.
2. Call yourself a naughty, naughty girl (‘girl’ being gender-neutral, of course)
I don’t know what it is specifically about this one that’s so motivating, but it definitely seems to work for some people. I don’t find this one to be the most consistently effective method, but it is quite easy to adapt for the individual. For example, you might want to add a slap for emphasis, if that’s your kind of thing. Or some light choking. The only real potential downside of this one is that your peers studying at the Rock might look at you a bit funny when they hear you yell, “Come on! Get your act together! Do some work, you naughty, naughty girl!”
3. Rage against the capitalist machine
This one doesn’t actually help you accomplish anything, but personally, it does make me feel better. My favourite way to do this one is with a sledgehammer, but this can get dicey on university campus, especially if your aim is bad. Luckily, you can also accomplish this on a smaller scale by picking a fight in an Instagram comments section, or even simply going down to CVS to see how much they charge for period products.
4. Look into cocaine
I just feel like, at some level, it’s all some kind of white powder. Right? I’m no chemist, but I think that as far as Adderall substitutes go, you could do worse than some good old-fashioned cocaine (hey, it worked for Freud, right?). Plus, with the current state of things, it’ll definitely be easier to find than Adderall, and it might even be cheaper! We all know Brown is supposed to be chill, but at the end of the day, you’re still at an Ivy League, so you probably know a guy who knows a guy.
5. Try a planner!
This one I’ve never tried personally, but ever since I’ve been on medication, people have been suggesting I come off it and just try a planner instead. Who knows? Maybe it’s the miracle cure we’ve all been searching for!
Good luck! And if all else fails, you can always just ask your ADHD friend with private healthcare how much money they’d be willing to sell their medication for.