Are you feeling lost and alone? Did you forget to switch your “just for fun!” class to S/NC?
Do not fear. I have a simple 10 step process that will cure all your woes. There’s a little voice hidden inside you, asking to be freed. Only you have the power to change your life.
You must heal your inner child.
1. Throw a tantrum in the 0 decibel section of the SciLi.
You should listen to the voice in your head telling you to scream in the no talking zone. Pound your fists on the table and let your legs fly out from under you. Life is hard and you should show it. Let out your loudest scream cry, you deserve it.
2. Dig an enormous hole in Ruth Simmons Quad.
The grass already looks terrible from ANOCH, so who says you can’t dig a giant hole? Bonus points if your long-over but still scary situationship happens to fall in.
3. Eat a rock.
I bet a hot geology concentrator could tell you whether or not it’s a sedimentary rock by taste. It’s never too late to hone your skillset. You know you want to. Don’t you want to feel the crunch between your teeth? Do it. Do it. Eat the rock.
4. Hobby horsing.
Channel your inner horse girl. Grab a horse on a stick and become one with the showpony. Brown University can be your own personal stable, if you give in to your deepest desires. I know you used to crawl around the playground. This is a safe space. Didn’t we all bark at people when they asked us for a pencil?
5. Buy an Etsy mermaid potion.
H2O was every 12 year old’s gay awakening, including mine. You either desired Cleo and Rikki carnally, or you wanted to be them so bad you would cut off your toes. The merchants of Etsy say if you write your wish to become a mermaid down on a piece of paper, pay them $86, and eat the oregano they send you, you’ll transform in the next 3-4 business months.
6. Push your enemies off of large structures.
As a child, it was socially acceptable to push somebody off the slide if they were being an asshole. Normalize that. But fuck the monkey bars – we’re adults now! I propose the roof of the Classics building.
7. Hide in the clothing racks at the Brown Bookstore.
I love the feeling of a 65% polyester, 35% cotton blend as it swaddles me, like a comforting womb. Nobody can see you when you’re tucked away in the racks of handmade, custom designed tank tops. If you pop out at the right time you can scare the hot moms visiting their ugly children for parents’ weekend. Score!
8. Create an imaginary friend.
Sometimes it feels impossible to make friends as an upperclassman. Where can you meet new people if not at the ice cream social? Don’t fear, you can make a new friend without leaving the comfort of your dorm. You can imagine a person who laughs at all of your jokes, even when they aren’t funny, and never judges you when you’re 35 minutes late to a 50 minute class. They can look like anybody you want, even the hot girl from your math section who is most definitely straight. Or Mike Faist. Or Zendaya. Hell, why not imagine the whole Challengers cast in your bedroom.
9 . Pull out your adult teeth as an offering for the tooth fairy.
Times are hard. Money is skint. Club budgets are being cut left and right. Side hustle not working?
Rip out your teeth and put them under your pillow. As a child, the tooth fairy always left me $5. I have a lot of teeth! That’s a lot of money! If money troubles are bringing you down, make an offering to the tooth fairy. She would never do you wrong.
10. Try to get your parents undivorced.
If two red-headed twelve year old twins can do it, surely I can too. My grandma says I can do anything I put my mind to! So I’m sending my parents on a blind date with each other. They’re going to meet at Red Lobster; they’ll never see it coming!
This was supposed to be advice? Oh yeah.