As any inhabitant of the on-campus ecosystem knows, with the passing of the fall equinox comes the biannual arrival of the nation’s not-so-favorite pastime, room inspections. But, WAIT! Don’t just shove your waffle makers and your waterbeds and your various incendiary devices into your dresser drawers. First, consider our romantic suggestions, and give your ResLife visitor an experience they’ll never forget…and never report!*
1. Erect a mountain of candles
We know what you’re thinking, but mull it over: one candle is a violation, at least TWO candles is an invitation (…to letting me pass the room inspection! Because I’ve filled your nose with enticing scents of spiced orange and lilac!!!)
2. Keep your secret dog by acquiring a second secret dog and forcing them to eat spaghetti together
Hiding a discreet dachshund? An under-the-table terrier? A stowaway shih tzu?! I can only advise you to find another four-legged friend, posthaste, and set them up Lady and the Tramp-style. Every movie I’ve ever enjoyed has promised me that love can overcome bureaucracy, and I have to believe that’s true (…if only for the sake of my pet turtle, Toodles, who otherwise will have to spend the next 1–10 days in the armoire.)
3. Build a fireplace—but, like, a reallyyyyy cozy one
Who exactly, you may ask, is hiding firewood in their dorm? I don’t know. Nevertheless, it’s on our beloved university’s rather long list of restricted residence hall items, and we here at The Rib are nothing if not thorough.
So! If you are to have wood, don’t feel stumped. Like my Netflix account autoplaying 4K Fireplace for Your Home after every romcom, present a most charming offering and burn, baby, burn.
4. Cry.
Exhausted your options? At the exact moment your inspector stops by, try weeping a good ol’ tear or two—real or fake, who knows!—and scare them away, instantly. (An anti-charm situation, if you will.)
…At least, we think. In all honesty, this theory remains untested, and your mileage may vary. All the same, we’d love to know its effectiveness in keeping your roommate united with her beloved space heater. Godspeed.
*Because you’ve wowed them with love, not murder.