Let’s face it. The Spring Weekend lineup is not everyone’s cup of tea. While I’m not some white boy trashing the artists in the comment section of the BCA Instagram because I do have a life, I will confess that the only artist I’d heard of before the post dropped was Yves Tumor (because I’m a Cancer). Compared to last year’s star-studded assortment of artists, I was a bit disappointed. With 4/20 on a Saturday and the Spring Weekend lineup looking considerably meh, I started to think of some ways to make SW a little more exciting, a little more main character, a little more…me. Before any major event in my life, I always think: HCIMTAB, which stands for “How Can I Make This About Me?” If you’re anything like me, here are 10 things you can do to make your Spring Weekend experience a bit more invigorating and about the most important person there: you.
- Loudly announce that the Blue Room has decided to start accepting meal swipes.
Spreading misinformation is more thrilling than any poppers high. Feel free to embellish this as you see fit; perhaps you are sleeping with the head of Dining Services and, in a moment of coital bliss, he confessed this new development to you and you weren’t supposed to tell the other students but you’re soooooo drunk and you think your friends should know.
- Scream “he’s got a gun!”
As part of the generation that grew up with active shooter drills and a Congress that refuses to pass gun safety legislation, this one is sure to get a few giggles. Everyone will know you’re joking so feel free to act as scared as possible.
- Do an NPC stream on TikTok the whole time.
If you’re going to be there, you might as well be getting that bread and growing your network, which you should know is, in fact, your net worth. The music will be so loud that nobody will hear you going “mmm ice cream so good!”
- Give your situationship a dry handjob with no eye contact.
You don’t make eye contact normally, so what makes Spring Weekend any different? Bonus points if you can sing along at the same time.
- Vomit.
This one’s a bit boring — I mean, who hasn’t vomited to make themself the center of attention before? We’ve all been there girl. But this year, your fellow Spring Weekenders will be grateful for your hurling because it will mean something actually exciting is happening at Spring Weekend!
- Call your parents.
What’s going on at home? Oh, that noise in the background? Don’t worry, I’m not doing anything important right now.
- Bring a super provocative sign.
And I’m talking super provocative. Asking the artists to marry you is tired and already in enough 1D fanfics. Instead, write something like, “What are your thoughts on legal euthanasia?” Before you know it, Spring Weekend will become like your high school debate program all over again.
- Yell “Death to the West!”
There’s never a bad time to do this. I personally make a habit of doing this once a day, usually in the Rock stacks, the Ratty at peak hour, or the Main Green on a sunny day. Before you say this is problematic, I’m literally brown at Brown and will tell all your friends you’re racist.
- Throw out free tickets to a CCB event like confetti.
Watch as the people around you pick them up out of curiosity, and then subtly put them back down again.
- Read The Rib.
You can never go wrong with a quick perusal of theribofbrown.com. Wherever you are, at any time in your life, I assure you that a quick trip to our website is a billion times more interesting than anything you’ve got going on, even Spring Weekend.