As it’s finals season, I won’t waste your time with an introduction (introductions are so out).
So without further ado, here’s much ado about nothing:
Ins:
- Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Sorry to any disciples possessing a nut allergy, there’s nothing more festive than chestnuts.
- Eyebrow piercings
Bleached brows are officially so mainstream that by next Thanksgiving your awful republican grandma will probably be sporting a pair. If you want to continue to horrify her, I recommend the eyebrow piercing: the bleached brow for people without commitment issues.
- Commodity fetishism
What’s more Christmas-y than capitalism? If you don’t celebrate Christmas this one might not apply to you and while I will yield you the moral high ground, I raise you: look at all my sparkly things!
- Paganism
The natural successor to the whole trad-cath thing dominating the internet at the moment. If that sentence sounded like gibberish to you I’m jealous and also please put me in contact with your psychiatrist so I can stop spending so much time on my phone watching women pray with rosary beads.
Okay, being totally real for a moment here: Facebook is the next big thing. Or the last big thing, whatever. Facebook was launched in 2004, which means in two years it officially becomes vintage. If you’re on the fence, just imagine posting a bomb selfie on Facebook, and nowhere else. Is she joking? Is she serious? Only one thing will be for sure: no one will be able to stop thinking about your esoteric, post-ironic social media usage.
- 80s Waffle-knit thermals
Warm, comfy, sexy. Head to eBay, asap.
- Snacking on deli meats
Sometimes a girl just gets a hankering for some meats and cheeses. Feel free to eat it straight out of the packet, as charcuterie boards are for the vain and the performative.
- The Notes App
I think if I had to delete every app on my phone except for one, the Notes App would be the designated survivor. It’s the app for every season but it really comes into its own in those melancholy winter months. Make lists of films you will never watch, muse extensively on albums too cringey to discuss with even your closest friends, write sad notes app poetry, what more could you want?
Outs:
- Any and all sexualization of Santa Claus, Mrs Claus, etc.
It’s perverted. And there are sexier childhood favorites.
- Europe
If White Lotus has taught us anything, it’s that Europe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And while I may be studying abroad in Italy next semester, I’m self-aware enough to know there’s nothing cool about it (except for the shockingly beautiful and fortunate turn my life is sure to take, that’ll be cool, but try not to be jealous, it’s not becoming of you). Anyway, if you’re going to be in Europe this Christmas, please do us all a favor and shut up about it.
- Mascara and/or eyeliner
It’s bare eyes and a dark lip this winter.
- People-pleasing
If you’re prone to putting your wants and needs behind those of others, allow me to encourage you to get a grip! People-pleasing is so two years ago. The pandemic is over (sort of), sneezing in public is back, it’s time to be a bitch.
- Phoebe Bridgers as your top Spotify artist
Maybe I’m just projecting (she was my top artist last year), but it’s time to cheer up, lads. Have some self-respect and wait until she releases a new album at the very least. This also applies to Olivia Rodrigo, if any of my readers are 14-years old for some reason.
[I can already hear the *pple m*sic users moaning what about me in the distance, and to them I say: this isn’t about you because you were never cool to begin with.]
- Sidechat
I mean, this one has been out for a while, but given the slow death of Twitter, I feel like some of you may need the reminder: it’s okay to let go.
- Authenticy
BeingReal is officially boring as fuck. Ins: posting a single image to Instagram (swiper no swiping!), posing excessively for said picture, and being incredibly high maintenance, both in terms of your appearance and your personality.
- Puffer jackets
This one is a little cruel because it’s basically impossible to survive the Providence winter without one of these. But that won’t stop me from Speaking My Truth, and My Truth is that I’ve never in my life seen a puffer jacket that I actually thought was cute. They are all different degrees of ugly and they are all like 400 dollars. I would rather watch my hands turn blue and fall off from the beautiful sleeves of my leather jacket, and you should too.
Thanks for reading, disciples! I love each and every one of you and plan to visit you all in your dreams tonight. In the meantime, comment down below if you have any ideas for Hult Cult disciple names (a la Gaga’s Little Monsters, Beyonce’s Beyhive, etc). Now that I think about it, Hult Hive does have a certain ring to it… the certain ring may just be basic alliteration though. I suppose only time will tell…
Happy Holidays and see you all in the new year!
(This article was written on the Notes App.)