It’s true—the AP Calculus BC test my junior year of high school made me so violently ill that, as the snot was pooling in my mask and the Taylor polynomials were swimming in my eyes, I swore off logical thought forever and amputated the left side of my brain right there. Since then, I’ve found inner peace. While all my Women in STEM friends went off to technical colleges to study “Biomedical Engineering” and “Computer Science,” I’ve been frolicking around Brown’s campus transposing Nicki Minaj songs and writing Notes app poetry for a grade (unless it’s mandatory Pass/Fail).
However, in my free time (what a concept) I do think about you guys. How depressing it must be to stand for hours on end in a sterile lab in white coats with your hair done up in the old founding-father low ponytail. Sometimes, when I’m fixing my hair in the Biomedical Center windows, I feel the urge to hold up a sign reminding you guys that you can leave and that you have agency over your life’s choices. Despite the men… the men EVERYWHERE, I suppose somebody has to do it, and I still respect you. But I know none of you masochistic psychos will ever listen to the good word, so in resignation, I present to you five ways you can improve your quality of life as a Woman in STEM.
Hot Pink Calculator
It’s simple but effective. While all the stinky, boring, ugly Men in STEM pull out their blue, black, or gray calculators you can whip out this statement piece. Imagine you’re doing a titration and your partner Brian asks you, “What color means it’s too acidic again?” You can wordlessly point to your hot pink calculator and avoid making eye contact altogether.
Form Fitting Hazmat Suit
Hazmat suits have been the same design forever, and it’s time to shake things up. In the lab, it is my firm belief that the girlies should be giving BODY. Right now, it’s giving shapeless, lazy, and tired. Let those viruses know who they are messing with.
Tiny Purse Full of Corrosive Chemicals
We all remember Lizzo’s iconic tiny purse at the 2019 AMA awards. I don’t know about you guys, but the entire time I was scratching my head and thinking: “What could she possibly be carrying in there?” Now I know: corrosive chemicals. Gone are the days of airtight tubes. Carry that sulfuric acid into class with you in style.
Wig and Bald Cap
One thing I remember about sophomore chemistry is the aforementioned founding-father-low ponytail. You can avoid this by wearing a wig and bald cap. Come to class serving one look, and when the bunsen burners come out, let that wig fly. Bald is beautiful.
Acrylic Nails that Dual Action as Tongs
Lastly, I give you acrylic nails that are dual action as tongs. While Brian fumbles with the boiling hot test tube, you can gracefully pluck it from the fire with your 2-inch long acrylics. Now who says they aren’t practical?
At the end of the day, I am always looking out for you. Upon texting my friend at Georgia Tech about my “wig and bald cap” idea, she responded, “gonna use my engineering degree to invent an in-lab wig snatcher that everyone can just hook their wigs to and the supervisor pulls the lever.” I am truly ecstatic to see what other innovations my ideas may inspire (just please remember to credit me in your inventions because I’m going to need that money xoxo).
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