In the early hours of the morning on Friday, October 21, Taylor Alison Swift released her tenth studio album, Midnights. While everyone was drunk at the listening party in Salomon, The Rib’s tireless team of journalists painstakingly combed through each and every song (with the exception of the 7 additional tracks; Taylor couldn’t be bothered to release them on time, so we have withheld our opinions in protest.) We have collected our thoughts and our word pool of semi-nostalgic-sounding nouns, and are finally ready to share our review with the general public. Brace yourselves.
Lavender Haze
Ah, Lavender Haze…the gayest color with the straightest lyrics (people want me to marry my boyfriend, cue the world’s tiniest violin.)
Maroon
Red already exists!! And my fish only liked the Red album when he was recovering from kidney failure so I can’t listen to any dupes out of respect.
Anti-Hero
“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me”… there’s really no need to tell everyone that you’re your own anti-hero. It’s getting harder and harder to root for you.
The lyric “sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I’m a monster on the hill” is the wildest iteration of “pick a side” we’ve ever heard. We suggest a dual tip jar system, except instead of cash and Venmo, it’s Sexy Babies vs. Monsters. (@The Underground, you guys can write it as “Monster on (College) Hill.” You’re welcome.)
Snow On The Beach (feat. Lana Del Rey)
Taylor Swift has been labelled “country-pop Miss Americana Queen,” “the lyricist of the century,” and “the second coming of Christ,” so are we really going to settle for “weird but fucking beautiful”? Couldn’t she come up with a word more descriptive than “fucking”?? Every time she swears it sounds like she just asked her parents for permission and this is her one chance to do so. If comedy writing has taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing more powerful than a well placed curse-word, and boy do we have some edits for you, Taylor. Or was that Lana…?
And, hey, maybe you do have some edge, given that this song is obviously about cocaine.
You’re On Your Own, Kid
We have nothing much to say about this one except that it’s an unreleased Fall Out Boy song title. It always has been.
Midnight Rain
Taylor, what was up with all the voice modulation? What is this, iCarly? The intro vocals of this made our friends say, “I didn’t know there was another featured artist on this album.” Nope. It was Taylor singing in a deep and slightly creepy edited voice. Unless there was a featured artist, and it was another Lana situation (see: Snow On The Beach), where she had them breathe on the mic and leave. We wouldn’t know either way.
Question…?
This title reads like a mom’s Facebook status update as she asks her dedicated fan base which Harry Potter house she might be in.
Vigilante Shit
‘Draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man’… from the woman who gave us ‘Now you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon’. How the mighty have fallen.
This song is about revenge, we get it, but it does sound like she’s saying “lately I’ve been dressing for EVENTS”, and we get that. Lately, we too have been dressing for events. Around the clock, even. Maybe that’s why so many of the beats sound like egg timers. Ding-ding-ding, time to check the GCal!
Bejeweled
Like a classic #girlboss anthem, this one is all sparkle, no substance. And Bejeweled sounds like a horse name (I once rode a horse named Bedazzled, so it’s not too far off.)
Labyrinth
The line “oh no, I’m falling in love again” was written with the exclusive purpose of manufacturing a TikTok trend. Mark our words. Credible source: we saw a couple gaze into each other’s eyes during this song at the Taylor Swift Listening Party in Salomon and demand reparations, or at least a trigger warning next time.
Karma
Okay, first of all, she’s really brave to write this as a climate criminal. But we have to admit, this is a song you can pop your pussy to. After all, Karma is a cat.
Sweet Nothing
“Oh what a mind” ??? Joe and Taylor, you co-wrote this. If this is what you guys jerking each other off sounds like, it definitely will end with simultaneous (sweet) nothings.
Mastermind
Ending an album that puts the “mid” in Midnights with a song about being a genius is… brave. And ultimately, is there anything more political (yet brave) than an incredibly famous white woman putting out a mediocre album to mass hysteria?
We believed Taylor Swift could release TV static and we would still listen to it. And we probably will. The songs on Midnights are catchy, but horrible, like an earworm, except it’s a tapeworm. Folklore and Evermore made us forget that she was cringe, and this will forever(more) serve as a harsh reminder. At the end of the day, not only is Taylor only human, she is also a millennial.
But in her defense… haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.