Growing up in rural Georgia, I’ve trudged through the treacherous waters of homophobia, laced with good ‘ol southern charm. Sometimes in APGov, we would talk about gay people, and as the jury of gagging noises loudly echoed behind me, I would eventually realize these men that had mullets were being serious. In high school, I sat through a ten-minute-long speech a guy gave in my class about how “he would NEVER hug a guy”— after which he and his friend mysteriously disappeared to the men’s bathroom for several minutes (hugging it out, I presume). The repression at my school ran deep. And of course, there was English class.
This is not just a southern thing– English teachers across the world love a good homoerotic subtext in the books they choose. The Outsiders, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Great Gatsby, The Picture of Dorian Gray ring any bells? Of course, they are in complete denial— talking about “brotherly bonds” and “platonic companionship” and what have you. But facts are facts, and the truth is that classic literature is full of twinks. Here are three famous twinks your English teacher loves (like a brother, obviously):
1: Hamlet (and Horatio)
When Hamlet came around, I was quiet as I thumbed through his unhinged ramblings and clear unquenchable desire for drama (me vibes). But when my teacher played us the four-hour long word-for-word film adaptation of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh, I could no longer remain silent. As he strutted across the screen, I had one thought: “that man is a twink.” The bleached blonde hair, the perfectly groomed mustache and goatee, his BOOTS (where can I get a pair?). And we were supposed to believe that he was in love with Ophelia? “To be or not to be”– I think not. Don’t even get me started on his little gay friend Horatio. When you Google “Hamlet’s best friend,” the third google suggested search item is “Hamlet’s gay best friend,”. As Hamlet is dying, Horatio threatens to STAB himself. Hm, sounds familiar! Anyone ever heard of “Romeo and Juliet”? Star-crossed lovers k-wording themselves for each other? As Horatio holds Hamlet tenderly, watching the life leave his eyes, he whispers the famous, “Good night my sweet prince!” Smells like fruit to me.
2: Nick Carraway
To preface, my friend got a zero for saying “I think Nick and Gatsby were in love” during a socratic circle. A ZERO. Clearly that one hit a nerve with my English teacher— probably because it was true and she knew it. Early in the book, Nick has a steamy interaction with a man in an elevator before the book ellipses and alludes to Nick standing up from his bed the next day. Obviously we skipped this chapter in my class because apparently Mr. F. Scott Fitzegerald was just waxing writerly eloquent there, and the scene was of absolutely no importance whatsoever to the story, or to Nick’s character (ahem). In my humble opinion, how is The Great Gatsby entertaining if it’s not a secret queer love story rebelliously written in the 1920s??? All I remember is blah blah blah “green light” and rich people being crazy, and the whole time thinking why can’t we analyze The Real Housewives franchise in literature class instead. At least we’d be entertained. Describing Gatsby, Nick states he has “something gorgeous” and “a romantic readiness” that he will never “find again.” Describing his girlfriend Jordan, Nick calls her “incurably dishonest” and a “limited person”. The closet is glass.
3: Dorian Gray
Dorian Gray loves drama. Described in the book as looking “as if he was made out of ivory and rose leaves” he flits around the world committing crimes and being hot. He is obsessed with a portrait of himself, and the painter who painted it is explicitly in love with him (okay, published in 1891!). Additionally, he is a theater kid and loves a good musical. He “falls in love” with a girl at the local theater who plays Juliet before realizing that he was solely in love with her talent as an actress and not her true self— simply put, she was his Barbara Streisand. At the end of the book, when the aforementioned painter of the famous “portrait” sees that it has magically transformed into a hideous evil old man, in exchange for Dorian’s physical body staying young and hot, Dorian murders him. Listen, good representation in the media means that our queer characters need to have some flaws! Oscar Wilde was ahead of the game.
In classic literature, the twinks are truly around every corner. Who knows where the next one will appear— Holden Caulfield I’m looking at you. Let us deny this no longer and walk in the holy light of truth. I am breaking my silence. English teachers, you should too.
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