As summer comes to a close, and a new semester starts weaseling into our lives, our summer flings aren’t the only things left without closure. Looking through our summer reading list, we come to the heart-shattering realization that we’ve barely scratched the surface of the books we meant to read over the vacation. Though we really were eager to read Orphan Train (??) or the book our queen J.K. Rowling wrote under a male pen name, we’re out of luck and out of time. If you’re a voracious reader like myself, you know how awful it is to begin the fall semester with the full knowledge that you’ll have no time at all to read for pleasure. Luckily for you, here at the Rib we’ve been hard at work compiling the ultimate fall reading list. If you can spare a minute, take the time to skim our suggestions for the short, easy reads you’ll actually have time for during the fall semester.
Your Receipt from East Side Mini Mart
A gripping tale of two boxes of strawberry pop tarts, a roll of paper towels, and a magazine. This mystery will leave you reeling until the very last word. Why did you buy two boxes, when you know you’ll eat them all in one library sitting? Why just strawberry? What about brown sugar? Are you a fiend for paper goods, or did you just spill something? Isn’t the print news industry dying? And most importantly, how much did it all cost? If you’re looking for more of a hate-read (and who isn’t?), then be sure to check out the sequel, Your Receipt from CVS. Paper towels at CVS cost $1.20 more. Why do you have to charge so much for a glue stick? What is this injustice?
That Magazine You Just Bought from East Side Mini Mart
Just kidding. You don’t have time for this shit. Let it sit on your desk until you’re tired of looking at Jennifer Lawrence’s face and then throw it away. As it falls into the trashcan, take a second to appreciate the passing idea of reading about her “Backstage Moments.” Then let it go. You have problem sets to do.
Your Misspelled Name on a Starbucks Cup
A disheartening, yet somehow uplifting read that costs no more than your tall mocha latte. Whether your name is Sarah, Sean, or Michelle, expect a slew of Sara’s, Shawn’s, and Mishel’s. And god forbid you have an unconventional or long name. I’m looking at you, Chrysanthemum. For more enthralling tales of woe, take a look at this tumblr. But only if you have time, of course.
The Back of a Box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
You simply have to read the classics. This New York Times best seller has been flying off the shelves since it was first published in 1984, and it never fails to surprise us. I mean, what is an “other carbohydrate?” Do whole grains make cereal taste different? How many grams of sugar are bad for you? So dig in, and enjoy this imaginative and dazzling foray into the world of breakfast cereals. What you will learn from it may surprise you.
Your Tuition Bill
The Washington Post called it “sadder than Precious.” The New Yorker said it was “a siren song of our generation… A call to arms for college students in debt and a must-read for parents who don’t want to retire until they’re 85… If you have emotional energy to spare, don’t skip this read.” Your mom wrote that it was “gonna force us to live in a box…lol…call me when u have a minute…love u.” If you’re already emotionally exhausted and beginning to gray at age 19, it might not be the best book for you. But if you’ve got a heart of steel and the determination to finish your degree, or a person who you can cry to on the phone, this is the most captivating story of our time.
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