Divining your zodiac sign as a spring weekend substance is not a task I take lightly. This is a delicate matter involving careful reflection and deliberation. The criteria I use for making my decisions are entirely factual, based on the wisdom of the stars, and could in no way be considered subjective. For instance, water signs could never be molly because they simply don’t produce enough serotonin. It’s simple maths, babe.
Pisces – Prozac. You still have depression but at least you don’t have the Tumblr account anymore.
Leo – Tequila shots. You’re loud, uninhibited, and a recipe for disaster. You specialize in having fun, and then regretting your decisions in the morning.
Taurus – Edibles. No chance you’re getting up to find that bong. It’s only 10:30 and you’re already in bed with your eyes closed.
Cancer – Boxed wine. You’re super horny and will definitely cry by the end of the night.
Aquarius – Shrooms. Your introspective musings are getting annoying to the 11 other signs trip-sitting you right now. Also, who the fuck is Michael Pollan?
Aries – Coke. You’re overstimulating and as impulsive as letting a random girl shove her fake nail up your nose in the bathroom at Ego.
Virgo – Diet Coke. You sober everyone in the room up, honestly. Or you might be ritalin because your room is always clean. Nope? Just me who only cleans my room on ritalin?
Sagittarius – Viagra. You’re stubborn and hard to work with, but at least you keep the fire burning all night.
Libra – Poppers. You’re on for 30 seconds and then off again. Like, make a decision already. An unreliable source of fun since you might not even show up to the function.
Capricorn – Pseudoephedrine. You’re kinda frigid and stuffy like your sinuses are perpetually clogged. You can always switch to lean or robitussin if you want a harder image.
Gemini – Molly. You’re fake as fuck. ‘Nuff said.
Scorpio – Molly but it’s actually laced with bath salts. You’re as scary and unhinged as that Florida man who ate someone’s face off.
Test your drugs, people. Find free fentanyl testing resources here, buy MDMA test kits here, or DM @harm_reduxx_pvd for more info. And don’t hang out with Scorpios.