After weeks of anticipation, last-minute bookings, and potentially friendship-ending arguments, Brown finally had Spring Break last week.
Some in the community were wise enough to go home and enjoy some much-needed rest, food sans laxatives, and barefoot showers. Others, however, decided that a five-day bender would be just the trick to prepare us for the second half of the semester and finals season. We watched our white friends burn to a crisp after literally bathing in sunscreen (dermatologists HATE them), drank ourselves silly, and realised just how difficult it is to travel with other people.
But what now?
You’ve already posted your vacation photo dump: a collection of blurry disposables of you holding a cocktail, you on a beach, or you holding a cocktail on a beach (ground-breaking). The Venmo requests for drinks you hastily consumed are rolling in as you rue the day you spent $15 on a mojito, and begin to regret turning down that drink from a fellow club-goer which, yes, would likely have been spiked but also would have been free. You’ve sat on your Spirit Airlines flight home (which was probably delayed because of “bad weather”) in a drunken stupor no I am not speaking from personal experience how dare you ask, and you have also – quite obviously – done none of the work that every professor shamefully set last Friday.
All that’s left to do is regale your pals that you didn’t vacation with (and therefore still like) with stories of your travels. “You guys!!! No one’s listening!”, you moan, watching them collectively roll their eyes as you rehash your “near death experience” for the umpteenth time. And how true! No one is listening because, frankly, no one cares! In the spirit of compassion and consideration for others, here are five other things to talk about instead of Spring Break if you’re interested in maintaining any of your friendships beyond this week:
1. The Will Smith/Chris Rock Oscars slap
Take time to engage in celebrity discourse surrounding this very important issue. See what everyone’s favourite hot and stupid people have to say about this ‘personally traumatic’ incident, and practice empathy as they announce a career break to help them ‘spiritually heal’ from the disturbance.
2. Bridgerton
I binge-watched the whole of season two with my mother in my post spring break recovery era which was an excellent choice. Fall in love with Jonathan Bailey, Simone Ashley, or, indeed, both. Bee stings have truly never been so erotic. Bonus points if you can count how many different Indian languages, cultures, and traditions the producers managed to shove into one family. #Representation.
3. Off-campus housing
In a bizarre turn of events from ResLife, rising juniors can now opt to enter an off-campus housing lottery – in groups of 3. Stir the pot in your friendship circle by choosing two of your pals to secretly enter the lottery with and sit back as chaos and tears ensue.
4. The Grammys.
If you can find anything interesting at all to say about this year’s award show, I am all ears.
5. The News?? I guess?
Go crazy go stupid and have a conversation that makes your hundred-thousand-dollar education worthwhile.
So, go forth, friends, and try to be less unbearable on Brown’s campus today than you were when throwing up in an Uber last week. May the odds be ever in your favour.
Image via. Worldation