Excuse me, yes, Jason Momoa – could I pull you for a chat? Yeah, so… I feel like I’ve been giving you your space to heal, but, like, it’s been two months. I gotta shoot my shot! This is my moment, my Joker! My radioactive spider bite, my gamma ray slip-up, my parents getting shot in an alley outside the opera. At long last you are single, Jason. And so am I.
Do you know how unlikely it is, cosmically, that two souls such as ourselves would both be romantically unattached at this specific moment in the gaping expanse of time and space? You, a forty-something, 6’5” demi god. Tatted up with two kids and a house. Let me make that house a home, Jase. Me, a 69-inch tall (I know, epic), 21-year-old from Withington, England juggling two highly unemployable Bachelor of Art degrees.
I just know we’d hit it off; we have so much in common it’s crazy! You were in a 16-year relationship. Similarly, I was in a 16-year-old relationship. Like you and Lisa Bonet, we also split up because of irreconcilable differences in that he was gay and I was not. Sure, I haven’t been in the game long, but what I lack in experience I make up for in will die for you.
Other things we share? Ancestry. You are native Hawaiian, I am named after my great-grandmother Leinani. Full disclosure: she was very white. There is something odiously colonial about her situation that I’m scared to probe into, but I’ll do it for my Khal. Just slip me some GoT royalties for that 23andMe deep-dive.
We both have facial scars, too! In 2008, after someone slashed you across the face with a broken beer bottle, you had to get 140 stitches and still have a scar across your eyebrow. Much like how that slit is unintentional, neither is the dent in my skull! I have a divot in my forehead because as a child I ran face-first into a gate. I also chipped my front tooth in 2017 because I chomped down on a mirror in an effort to “check out my bite”. It’s our so-called “flaws” that make us beautiful, babe.
Sure, we have our differences… you have a half-sleeve of tattoos, while I still have to go to a happy place each time I get a vaccination. You like heavy metal music, while Ariana Grande (derogatory) was my ‘artist of the decade’ in 2020. Like all soulmates, we aren’t perfect, but we’ll make it work! The balls in your court, Baywatch. Show girls with mashed potato bodies everywhere that we deserve big, beautiful bastards, too.
Also, I can French braid. Nuff said.