Rating my Doctor’s Visit Notes

Ever leave a social interaction wishing you had a play-by-play of what the other person thought about your every word and also your physical appearance? What if I told you there’s a place where you can find just that? The secret? A visit to your doctor’s office for the worst sinus infection you’ve ever had! Here are my ratings of some of the (very detailed) notes from my onerous quest for antibiotics.

“Patient is a pleasant 21 y.o. female.”

8/10. True, straightforward, gripping intro for the story of my 20-minute visit.

“​​She has maxillary sinus pressure, sinus headache, nasal congestion, greenish nasal discharge. But she has no fever chills shortness of breath chest pain coughing.”

5/10. Really making me seem high maintenance here, I’m actually so chill and just have good vibes all the time. But points for brainstorming what’s not wrong with me.

“Patient mom calling in, PR on file, to discuss daughter’s symptoms…. Mom would like patient to be seen in office.”

2/10. Did my mom call and make the appointment? Yes. Did everyone need to know that? No. And including that detail so soon after noting my being 21 seems aggressive.

“She said she had a similar sinusitis infection in the past. She said amoxicillin does not work as well as augmentin in the past. She said she is not pregnant.”

4/10. Sounds like a horrible round of “Two Truths and a Lie” but technically yes, I did say those things.

“She will take additional precautions to prevent pregnancy for the next 3 to 4 weeks due to potential interaction of augmentin and her birth control pill.”

7/10. Highlights how responsible I am but fails to mention that the additional precaution is the only contraceptive with 100% reliability: studying engineering.

“General appearance: alert, appears stated age and cooperative, no acute distress
Abdomen: non-tender, non-distended; bowel sounds normal, no organomegaly
Psychiatry: appropriate mood and affect”

10/10. Absolutely nailed it. I’m so “cooperative” and “appropriate” and people really seem to pick up on that.

So the next time someone tells you “No one is judging! I bet they don’t even notice your bowel sounds!” know that it’s a lie and only your internal medicine doc is brave enough to admit the truth. Stay alert and non-tender, my friends.