This week, The Rib of Brown was asked to comment on the Brown University Student Activities Office’s recent changes to their funding policies (if you didn’t know, now you know). We thought it would be appropriate to release an official statement on our position regarding this important matter.
After much internal reflection and discussion, we have decided that, as women, we are in no position to make such statements. Anyone who’s anyone knows that women should not be allowed to touch money! If we do get our petite, perfectly manicured hands on those Benjamins, we’ll start to bleed immediately from every orifice on our Barbie bodies, and succumb to raging hormonal hysteria. Money is poison for our little walnut brains– our neurons are too busy drooling over strong, tall, handsome pairs of shoes and little chapsticks with fun candle-scent inspired flavors to understand economics. “Why can’t we just print more money?” is a question every woman asks immediately upon waking up every day. Please oh please tell us, econ bro, please!!!
Here at the Rib, we are given money to spend, it’s true. However, that money goes immediately into our Tampon Fund where it stays until we all get our period in the same week. We don’t know how much we have in the Fund and always sing little ditties in our weak soprano voices when someone tries to investigate further. The new SAO funding guidelines were tough to read– we are so bad at math we can’t even decipher the numbers! Haha! Oh, women! We at the Rib know, however, that it’s the brand on the outside of the little purse that matters (The Rib recommends Kate Spade for Spring ‘22)!
Our statement? You keep the dough. Our sole purpose in life is to knead it.