It’s 11pm on a Friday, you’re drunk off your face and being yelled at by a white econ major who’s foaming at the mouth with rage. Where could you possibly be?
That’s right! You’re trying to get into a frat party.
Brown’s party scene is about as bustling as a wake, so, every weekend, hordes of unfortunate students make their way over to frat houses, prepared to give up their dignity in return for a few hours of bouncing up and down in a dark and sweaty room.
Once you’ve decided to temporarily forget about the hotbed of racism, sexism and misogyny that is Greek Life, the next challenge is figuring out a way to get into one of these exclooosive events. It won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible. If your inebriated mind doesn’t throw up 5 preppy names in time – or if you just don’t want to face being patronised by a freshman who had to commit literal crimes to join the frat that he is now guarding with his life – then fear not! Other paths exist.
1. Date someone in the frat!
Icky, I know! But hey, cut these men some slack! Maybe he’s one of the good guys who tells you with a straight face that ‘change comes from within’; he’s doing his bit for women by being a positive force in Greek life.
If he’s one of those, run for the hills ladies! Instead, choose a brother who truly embraces every facet of his bigotry. You’ll be spoiled for choice, and you’ll know exactly what you’re getting into. Bonus points if he believes that we’ve surpassed the need for feminism.
2. Go through the front door!
The number of times that this has worked is truly embarrassing. It almost makes me feel sorry for frat brothers… but then I remember who I am. These men had to chug gallons of alcohol just to be where they are now. Odds are, your brain works faster than theirs. As a result, the front door is frequently left wide open, which goes unnoticed because of the actual verbal abuse happening round the back. Go in through the front as God (and architects everywhere) intended!
3. Join a frat!
It’s a personal dream of mine to infiltrate a frat and get it shut down from the inside (like, truly shut down, not just ‘there are multiple sexual assault cases against us so I guess we’ll move underground’ shut down). If the latter half of that sentence sounds too much like hard work, settle for Biden and just become a member. Embrace your peach fuzz, call women ‘females’, and if anyone suspects you of being a ‘chick’, just shotgun another beer.
Once inside the frat, avoid touching any surfaces, reevaluate the choices that led you there and drink as much of their liquor as possible. A thrilling night awaits!