I’m just gonna come out and say it: the straights can have Halloween.
I realize that this is a biiiiiiit of a hot take. You might be thinking to yourself, “But Kaitlin! Halloween is the Gay Christmas!” Then call me the Gay Scrooge! Biiiiii humbug!
Halloween is NOT the queer fantasia we want it to be. It’s just a holiday for sad, sad straights who think they can only be sexy by dressing up as a cartoon character with tits. Sexy Scooby Doo? Straight. Sexy Minion? Straight. Sexy Little Red Riding Hood? AN AFFRONT TO THE QUEER AGENDA. And why do I need to wait ‘til October to eat a full-sized Twix Bar? The answer? I DON’T. This. Is. Straight. Hegemony.
So as self-appointed Queen Queer of my (very small) corner of the universe, I am gifting Halloween to the straights. If you are a straight, be prepared for my lawyers to contact you imminently. They’ll be wearing a sexy pinstriped suit — NOT of the Beetlejuice variety, thank you very much.
And in celebration of this transfer of power, here is a list of other things that the straight can have and NO I won’t explain them. The queers will understand.
- Top sheets
- Supergas
- Jamba Juice
- Swells
- Grammarly
- Apple Pages
- Apple Music
- Basically most Apple products
- CS-Econ
- Children named Megan
- Adam Sandler
- Small buttons
- Elaborate nail art (stickers are OK)
- Scooters
- Folding chairs
- Google Calendar
- Arial Font
- Soy milk
- Cake (ice cream cake though? gaaaaaay)
- Ask.com
- Spin class
- Harry Potter (NOT Divergent. Divergent is bisexual GOLD.)
- Abs
- The John Hay Library
- Red wine
- La Croix
- Gatorade
- Southern Methodist University
- Juul
- Violin
- “I only smoke cigs when I’m drunk”
- Mercury in retrograde
- The number 6
- Necklaces
- Alien makeup
- The color orange
- Oregano
- Velcro
Don’t agree with me? You’re probably heterosexual. Sorrrrrrryyyyyy. Go enjoy your pumpkin spice lattes and tears.