Earlier this week, 26 year old local perv Justin Kimball surprised everyone at his neighborhood cafe by ordering his iced coffee with regular milk. Café Arnold, a quaint, Parisian-style café that used to be a laundromat in the heart of Williamsburg, is not accustomed to customers requesting cow’s milk.
“At first it scared the crap out of me, cause like, I wasn’t expecting that,” said owner Kevin Li. Li, who graduated from NYU with an acting degree in 2012, opened the cafe 14 months ago using the money he inherited following his grandfather’s long battle with lung cancer.
“We always have soy, oat, almond, cashew, pea, hemp, flax, coconut, and rice milk options on hand, but never cow!” he explained.
After doing some digging in the back, Li was able to locate a half quart of organic whole milk tucked away behind the cleaning supplies. He poured it into the coffee of his customer, who was none the wiser about the turmoil he caused.
“I honestly don’t know how it got there or when” said Li, “but it definitely saved my ass.”
Other customers, including 28 year old hot yoga instructor Summer Winds and her partner Lex Marshall, who were at the cafe with their toddler, Max, were less amused by Kimball’s shameless order.
The pair have been Café Arnold regulars since its launch, noting the laid-back staff, calming earth tones, and white noise machines that have replaced traditional speakers set it apart from other, more “toxic” coffee shops.
“It was just kind of gross,” Winds explained, “I didn’t know people still drank that stuff. Especially in public, and in front of children! I mean, who does that?”
“I’m not usually one to judge,” Marshall added, “But the cow’s milk industry is so unethical. They don’t even pay the cows a living wage. I don’t want my son to grow up thinking that behavior is okay.”
At press time, Kimball declined to comment, although notably was found using a plastic rather than reusable straw to slurp his perverted little beverage.
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