Staying Safe During COVID-19

Though there are some ongoing efforts to reopen the country, the coronavirus still presents an alarming threat. We can each do our part to flatten the curve– washing our hands, wearing masks in public, and staying at home as much as we can. But are we doing enough? Are we ever doing enough? As someone who has encountered the virus firsthand, I am well aware of its evil ways. A couple months ago, I was boarding a plane and I actually saw the coronavirus on my tray table. Fortunately, I was well-equipped with disinfecting wipes and was able to exterminate it before taking my seat.

(Of course, I was holding up a swarm of passengers trying to board behind me, but as the saying goes– “put your own mask on before assisting others”).

This is all to say that the coronavirus could sneak up on you at any moment! But as the number of cases rises, so too does the misinformation. Unfortunately, many of the ways the virus can spread have been suppressed by the mainstream media. And though I am not a licensed professional, I am personally asymptomatic– so I think it’s safe to say that I know a thing or two about this “virus.” Here are some extra precautions you can take to stay safe, from an insider’s perspective:

Staying Offline

You may be lulled by the comforts of media during your time at home, but stay away from screens! Not only can the coronavirus stay on hard surfaces (like your laptop or phone) for up to 96 hours, but it can also infect you from within the screen itself. Blue light emanating from your device can actually transmit pathogens directly into your body. In other words, if at any point, a picture of the coronavirus pops up on your screen, you will be sorry. I have blurred the above image for your protection (this is also why the next step is so important…)

Keeping Your Eyes Closed

By now, you’ve probably been told a million times to wear a mask and keep your hands away from your face. The Media has somehow neglected to tell you that every time you open your eyes, you are inviting the virus in. For me, the #1 way I think I’ve been able to stay healthy is by keeping my eyes closed at all hours. If at any point you must open your eyes, please be extremely careful. Consider wearing a sleeping mask throughout the day to avoid the temptation of seeing, or, at very least, blink very, very quickly and constantly. If you cannot see the virus, the virus cannot see you.

Censoring Your Speech

If you’ve ever said the name of the coron*virus out loud, it has already taken hold of you. In these unprecedented and trying times, one of the easiest ways you can protect yourself is by using asterisks in your everyday speech or alternatively, using a culturally pejorative alias (e.g. “Chinese Virus” or “Kung-Flu”). These measures might seem futile, but saying the virus’ name not only acknowledges its existence but also manifests it, inviting it in with open arms.

Avoiding Testing

Whether you are asymptomatic or very symptomatic, it is absolutely paramount that you do not get tested. How can you test positive, if you never test? In addition to the national shortage of testing kits, a positive result is a signal to the virus that he/she/they has won. You do not have coronavirus; you have a fever, dry cough, and shortness of breath. If you do not validate the virus, you cannot have the virus.

Thorough Hygiene

Of course, you should be washing your hands for 20 seconds as often as possible. Doing so rids your hands of anything you may have picked up from touching surfaces. But what about the inside of your hands? Yet again, Big News has neglected to inform you of another critical vulnerability. While the government has acknowledged the usefulness of drinking a bit of bleach with every meal, I recommend consuming twice the suggested amount as this is the ONLY way to wash your hands from the inside. Sometimes protecting your health comes with its risks, and deadly side effects.

Staying Vigilant

This is a high-anxiety time for a lot of us, and it’s tempting to find a bit of escape from it all at night. Unfortunately, sleeping is one of actually one of the most vulnerable positions you can put yourself in during a global pandemic. To dream at a time like this is to let yourself become blissfully unaware of the undeniable peril of our current situation. Something I’ve actually been doing to avoid this false sense of security is going to bed at night with a glob of DAWN Dish Soap in my hand. Not only does this sensation remind me to wash my hands as I slip in and out of consciousness, but it also keeps me slightly awake enough to the point where I am never really sleeping at all but instead made painfully aware of the constant threat of COVID-19. This is sort of like lucid dreaming, but it is not.

Ultimately, if you are not taking these extra precautions you are putting yourself at risk. So for those of you unwilling to go the extra mile– please follow the CDC’s guidelines and stay at home.

Images via, Semi Oloko, via, via, via, and via.