In the throes of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Center for Disease Control has announced new hand washing guidelines. Initially, the CDC encouraged people to wash their hands for twenty seconds- about the duration of singing “Happy Birthday” twice. Now, the organisation is advising people to wash their hands for as long as it takes them to sing the new Bob Dylan song, “Murder Most Foul.”
“We just figured it was better to be safe than sorry,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “If it’s a good idea for people to wash their hands for twenty seconds, it’s probably an even better idea for them to wash them for seventeen minutes. Plus, everyone has the time now.”
“Our top priority right now is the health of the American public,” Redfield replied when pressed on the issue. “In these trying times, what people really need is a detailed reminder of the assassination of John F. Kennedy.”