In 1992, Marriage Counselor Gary Chapman published The Five Love Languages, which outlines the five different ways in which love can be expressed and received. The book has gone on to see huge commercial and cultural success.
However, when googling the Five Love Languages, it becomes clear that the book is not only a self-help one, but a religious one too. In fact, Chapman, who now serves as the senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in North Carolina, originally wrote the book to help enlighten struggling couples and bring their marriages closer to Jesus.
Though not a Christian, I too think that there are huge benefits to understanding the love languages of those around you. In that vein, I have been inspired to make Chapman’s Five Love Languages into something more accessible for the Jews among us.
So, here it is, The Five Love Languages, as translated by the Torah.
Words of Affirmation
If you or your loved one’s primary love language is words of affirmation, compliments such as “You look beautiful” or “I am so proud of you” are the ultimate showcase of love and appreciation.
However, in the Jewish tradition, words of affirmation are often seen as too congratulatory or indulgent. Instead, try to replace your compliments with invasive questions. For example, instead of congratulating your nephew on his new raise, ask him if he is finally making enough to place a down payment on that new one bedroom apartment in Queens.
Quality Time
As told by Chapman, one of the primary love languages is quality time. That is, many people feel most loved when their partner chooses to take time out of their busy day to just be present in the moment with them.
However, in the Jewish religion, setting aside time to be with your loved ones is an obvious waste of time. The Jewish equivalent of quality time, then, is more often expressed in the language of “making it work.” For example, your mother-in-law pushing her haircut back to 1:15 so she can “squeeze in a coffee” and discuss her future grandchildren’s career paths is a selfless act of love in the Jewish tradition.
Physical Touch
Another of Chapman’s major love languages is physical touch. While to some people a hug is just a friendly greeting, to others it is exactly what they need to make them feel loved and special.
In the Jewish tradition, this love language is less about the touch itself, and more about the assessment that follows. A quick hug, followed by a squeeze of the arm and a “did you gain some weight?” are surefire signs that your great uncle is looking out for you.
Gift Giving/Receiving
Everybody loves to receive thoughtful gifts from a partner. For some, it is the number one way to feel validated. However, flowers and jewellery do not automatically make a good gift. A gift doesn’t have to be expensive. In fact, in the Jewish tradition, it doesn’t even have to be a gift at all!
If your nephew is allergic to peanuts, make sure to buy both peanut AND regular m&ms, and then tell him about the extra trip you had to take to Target just to accommodate him for the holidays! Presenting the bare minimum as an extravagant display of generosity and selflessness is core to the Jewish tradition.
Acts of Service
For some, there is no greater feeling of love and appreciation than when their spouse does the dishes after a long day of work. Simple acts of service like this show that you value your partner, and appreciate all that they do for you on a daily basis.
In the Jewish culture, acts of service often come in the form of unsolicited job applications and potential dates. Even if you are happy at your current place of employment, your dad would be delighted to send your resume to a friend of a friend. If you have been dating your boyfriend for six years but there’s no engagement ring, your grandma knows it is her duty to give your number to her new physical therapist. It’s just love!
Of course, not everybody will find they fit perfectly into just one category of primary love languages. For some people, a combination is key to a healthy relationship. What is important is that you listen to your partner and take cues from what they want and need. Amen!
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