Upon Kyle’s suggestion, my new friends pulled out their phones to take the Rice Purity Test, a centuries-old questionnaire designed to evaluate general innocence, assessing sexual maturity and experience. Kyle, who claims to be a solid 39 on the purity scale, (you naughty boy, Kyle!) suggested that the rest of us compare our own scores. Boy, was I in a bind! I wanted my new, super cool friends to view me as a ripened man, a fully-matured, sexy veteran. Yes, I wanted to assert my masculinity. Therefore, I needed my score to be adequately low, low enough that they wouldn’t comment on my relative innocence. Gosh dammit, middle school health, I thought! You taught me that drugs kill and kissing results in STDs. Because of my education and my fear of other peoples’ bodily fluids, I had remained unexposed to the world of genitals, a realm of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. What was I to do? How could I lower my score whilst still maintaining my honesty?
I began the test, soon finding that, maybe, I wasn’t as innocent as I initially supposed. Perhaps Kyle wouldn’t make fun of my chaste soul!
Question 1: “Used a drug stronger than marijuana?”
Totally. Technically. Definitely yes. Two winters ago I had this pretty bad cough and super clogged sinuses and I had to be called out sick from school. My mom had me take Sudafed so I could breath through my nose and Sudafed (definitely) is stronger than marijuana or weed, I’m told. They card you for it at CVS, so it must be pretty intense stuff.
Question 2: “Seen a stripper?”
This one time 3 years ago I was watching this movie that I think had Owen Wilson in it, and Owen stumbled upon a strip club and there were definitely strippers there dancing around polls and sitting on laps. I saw them. They had breasts.
Question 3: “Gone Streaking?”
When I was little, I used to run around the house naked all the time and my dad would pretend to be the tickle monster. Oh, how I’d giggle! Sometimes I would just wear my velcro sneakers and nothing else. Silly me!
Question 4: “Committed an Act of Vandalism?”
Here we go! This one I totally did. In a moment of maliciousness, I wrote all the Endgame spoilers in pig latin on the stall wall in the movie theater. I’m so bad (I’myay osay adbay)!
Question 5: “Urinated in Public?”
This is really embarrassing, but on a field trip in 3rd grade my friend Michael made me laugh so hard on the bus that I peed my pants because I kind of had to go already and the chaperone had to buy me shorts at the Aquarium’s gift shop which was kind of a win because they had sharks on them.
Question 6: “Been sent to the office of a principal, dean or judicial affairs representative for a disciplinary infraction?”
In 5th grade my friends Jacob, Zach and I were being disruptive during geography and Mrs. Erics sent us to the principal’s office because she was already having a rough day because Francesca had thrown up on the rug that morning after snack.
Question 7: “Given or received a hickey?”
I’ve done both (simultaneously!). When I was little and getting used to my mouth, I used to suck on my arms and then get these pretty noticeable red marks. Eventually, my mom told me to stop because it was bad for me and they would bruise over eventually. I don’t do that anymore.
Question 8: “Danced Without Leaving Room for Jesus?”
Jesus had a man’s body. His torso was maybe, what, 10? 12? inches thick? And, of course, “room” indicates that Jesus would be comfortable in the space between two people, free to wiggle around a bit or scratch an itch on his back. Jesus would probably require at least 2 feet between dancers, 2 feet for comfort’s sake. In middle school this one time I asked this girl named Tatiana to slow dance with me to Lana Del Rey’s “Young and Beautiful” and there was maybe less than 2 feet between us, definitely not enough room for Jesus to wiggle freely.
Question 9: “Had the Police Question You?”
In my high school health class a police officer came in one day to let us try on his drunk goggles (pretty fun!). Anyway, when I tried them on, he asked, “How do you feel?” and I answered him respectfully.
See, friends, in the words of Britney Spears, “I’m not that innocent.” I’ve been around the block a few times, I’ve taken decongestants, I’ve sucked my own forearm. I’ll show Kyle and the rest of those guys…I’m well on my way to manhood!