My name is Zara Lei Norman, and I will be the next Miss Rhode Island USA, so help me God.
Full disclosure: this plan came to me on the loo, entirely sober.
All the same, I am setting sail on my journey to becoming a pageant bitch. This is a series in which I will see how far I can take this ol’ thing. Will I make it to Miss Universe, or fall short before the first round? We can but wait and see, although, just like a nervous freshman at their first Whiskey Wednesday, I hope to go all the way. This week, we’re looking at my motivations, my qualifications, and (crucially) my eligibility.
So, allow me to paint you a picture. I, an 18yo pageant virgin, scrolled past an Instagram ad for the upcoming Miss Rhode Island USA pageant, and immediately decided it was for me. Now, at this point, you may be thinking, “Hey, Zara, aren’t you British and clearly unfit for a pageant?”
Firstly, fuck your assumptions, I have an American passport. Secondly, I believe in divine Providence. You guys, Instagram ads are targeted. Targeted, hear that! Instagram chose me for a reason. I have been selected, called on. The judges, already, have seen something in me that I have always known to be true––I am a beauty queen.
1. Motivations
So, I must, of course, ask myself what this is all for. Like, am I in it for the money?… of course. But, like, am I also doing it for the exposure? … also yes. Can you blame me? Previous Miss Rhode Island winners have gone on to be in the Amazing Race, to appear on the Bachelor, and to date Nick Jonas. The judges also offer a scholarship of 250 whole dollars to the winner! 250 smackeroonies! That’s! Two! Whole! Textbooks! With that kind of bank, I could avoid the Ratty for at least a week.
2. Qualifications
I have watched an unholy amount of Toddlers and Tiaras, and continue to follow Honey Boo Boo with religious fervour through thick and thin (if Mama June is reading this, stay strong bbygirl imma wait for you on the outside)
In a lot of ways, I am basically already a pageant girl. I have big hair because I never brush it, my foundation is too dark because I bought it in August, I need to be coached through every stage of my life because I have three collective brain cells, and I can play Hot Cross Buns on the recorder.
I’m definitely ready. But am I eligible? Let’s investigate.
3. Eligibility
Quickly, after opening the linked website from the ad, I realise that I need to make a decision. As an 18yo, I am eligible for both the Teen and the Adult categories. (I know, flattering. I haven’t felt this in demand since I napped through a lifeguard shift last semester. Dw no one drowned I think)
Naturally, I conducted a poll, and found that around 52% of my Instagram followers agreed that I should take part in the Teen category. Fuck them, because as it happens I turn 19 in July and need to play with the big boys. I’m doing this fr, fr.
It turns out that the criteria is pretty vague. The first box I need to tick is being of age, which I am. I also have not previously competed in a Miss USA pageant to no one’s surprise––so that’s a solid tick for me, too. One point was a little weird: to compete you can’t have ever given birth, gotten married, or been a parent. You also can’t be pregnant. It’s rather bold of Miss Rhode Island USA to assume I’d know if I was pregnant, but whatever. You have to be a US citizen and permanent RI resident, which means that for the first time in my life I will tout the fact that I am half-American. For all intents and purposes: yeehaw.
My first real challenge comes at one of the final criteria: to compete, one must be of good health and moral character. Good health. I feel like we all know this is code for skinny although they assert that there is nO wEIgHt rEQuiRemENt. On the off chance it’s not shady, I do have a numb leg, pasta for lunch and dinner 5/7 days a week, and perhaps mono. In other words, I’m thriving.
As with regards to the morals, she’s lacking. No comment.
There’s a lot of other boring stuff that I can’t be fucked to read but I assume it’s chill.
I seem to check out so far, and I’m scary excited to see where my journey takes me. Stay tuned for next week, when I will be putting in my application, and revealing the headshots I have taken to be submitted to the judges.
Keep it classy xoxo.
Images via Zara Norman.