What is Abortion?

No one in the world knows what abortion is. You might go up to a doctor or a politician and ask them “what is abortion?” and they literally couldn’t tell you. They just don’t know! But that’s not their fault. No one does.

Politically, that’s why abortion is such a divisive issue. Lawmakers and lobbyists just have no idea what they’re talking about. I had the chance to interview a few professionals and “women’s rights” activists on the topic. Here’s what some had to say about abortion:

“Abortion… hm, lets see. Well I had a few when I was a little girl and I think mum would have one or two at my birthday parties and at least half at high tea every afternoon. It’s a big thing in the music industry, that’s for sure. But what it is really I don’t think I could say.” -Pippa Middleton, the tangentially royal socialite

“Abortion is similar to the way our government works. Just like the American government, it is bicameral. Besides that, I’m not really sure.” -Joe Biden, the former Vice President and a mediocre candidate for 2020 presidential race

“I like to explain abortion using a tree metaphor. It goes like this: when a seed is planted in fertile soil it begins to grow. With enough water and sunlight, the seedling grows and grows until it becomes a fully mature tree. Then, it has its own seeds that are dispersed by the wind. In a village somewhere nearby, a hopeful but poor young boy finds the seeds that landed there and plants another tree that turns out to be much larger than the first. He waits for it to grow, then climbs to the top and finds that there are giants living among the leaves. He gets very scared and falls all the way back to the ground where he came from. That’s basically what abortion is, except in the case of abortion, the little boy is actually a girl. Think about it.” -Cecile Richards, the former president of Planned Parenthood, a Brown alum, and someone who should know

“Science doesn’t exist in the way we think it does, only in the way we think it doesn’t. And that means if abortion is here, abortion is there. Piece that together and it equals one whole abortion, both here and there but also nowhere at all. Oh, the duality of man!” –Tom Cruise, talented actor and the face of Scientology

“Hmmm. Hurumph humph. Geee-aawwwh!!! Eeeeeekkkkk!” –Angela Merkel, a female and also the Chancellor of Germany

“Huh, well, this isn’t really about abortion but I was just thinking about how when a normal guy sneezes he loses all control over his body so his eyes close and his leg jerks up. Then I was thinking about a couple guys I know who can keep their eyes open and their bodies still when they sneeze, and oh man is that the coolest thing ever. Definitely the closest thing I’ve seen to aliens. And that’s coming from me, Buzz Aldrin, the famous astronaut. These guys don’t even fart when they sneeze… like aliens. Do aliens fart? Do aliens get abortions?” –Buzz Aldrin, the famous astronaut

“Women, abortion, and golf–that’s my Holy Trinity. Women is God, abortion is Jesus, and golf is the Holy Ghost. Boo!” –Tiger Woods, male golfer and a so-so guy

Doctors and female doctors everywhere continue to conduct research on abortion, though as of now all research has been inconclusive. Whatever it means to be “pro-choice” or “pro-life” remains speculation. Let’s hope it stays that way, because in a way, guessing is more fun than knowing.

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