1] So, you left your JUMP Bike in the middle of the sidewalk. Why?
a. The middle of the sidewalk is the most logical place for a JUMP Bike to go.
b. I do not own it, so I do not feel the need to put it in a sensible place, like a bike rack, which are racks designed solely to keep bikes off sidewalks.
c. I hate all people and want to cause suffering to all.
2] Seriously, you were riding your JUMP Bike when you, all of a sudden, decided to abandon it on a nondescript patch of sidewalk on Brook Street? You do know that this is a public walkway, right?
a. It has a kickstand, which encouraged me to create a hazard on a pedestrian through-way.
b. I happen to live adjacent to the nondescript patch of sidewalk on Brook Street, and rather than bring the JUMP Bike into my driveway or to the bike rack that is less than one block away, I decided to leave it straddling a beautiful, well-traveled patch of concrete so I could stare at it–and everyone who had to walk in the street to get around it–from my bedroom window.
c. I wish a plague upon all who cross me and cackle at the mortal souls who come across the JUMP Bikes I have scattered across the metropolis. I will bring an end to humanity with my reckless abandon, or I will die trying.
3] Why do you ride JUMP Bikes, anyways?
a. I like the color (red) and the size (big). I am overcompensating for something.
b. I ride JUMP Bikes to prove that I am an Alpha who drinks a ton of Beer, kisses a bunch of Hotties, and flexes a ton of Muscle. I love to ride the wrong way down one way streets with my AirPods in. Look ma, no hands.
c. JUMP Bike is a corporate scheme designed to make the masses complicit with the evils of capitalism, which is my shit. I will ride my steed into battle and then I will fucking leave it in the middle of the battlefield, a.k.a, sidewalk.
4] You do know you’re creating a major accessibility issue, right?
a. Well, I, uh…I never thought about it that way…
b. …I mean, like, there’s definitely enough room to get around it, isn’t there?
c. I have never cared for another human before in my life.
5] What do you think would happen to a society in which bikes, even those that are shared, are left anywhere without any consideration for the safe travels of friends and neighbors?
a. I mean, when you put it that way, maybe I could at least move the JUMP Bike one foot into my yard…
b. Look, you almost got me with the last question, but I’m not going to let you shame me for riding a JUMP Bike, and then depositing it haphazardly in the worst place possible. It seems petty that you would write an entire quiz just to shame the ten, maybe one thousand, people who do this in the vicinity of Brown University.
c. I am an anarcho-bicyclist, so I would thrive in a society like this, where there are no laws for where a two-wheeled vehicle can and cannot be. There are many reasons one might want to overthrow the government, but the most valid one is to completely reject its authoritarian bicycle regulations.
6] Would you ever ride an electric scooter?
a. Yes, but only when the JUMP Bike that I left in the middle of the sidewalk was taken by someone else who wanted to ride it because apparently that’s how JUMP Bikes work????
b. No, because an electric scooter is smaller than a JUMP Bike, and thus a less effective obstacle to place in the way of people trying to get from place to place.
c. I plan to unite JUMP Bikes and BIRD Scooters in the complete destruction of life as we know it. When you see two BIRD Scooters flagrantly propped up next to a JUMP Bike on a street corner, pray for mercy.
7] Let’s get back to the topic at hand, which is first and foremost, bikes. I’m going to level with you. Last night, I turned the corner and walked straight into a JUMP Bike. I was ambushed, blindsided, bamboozled. I saw stars. I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw a bike taking up a square meter of pavement. I wondered what kind of person would do this. Did they…just get off and walk away? Or was this particular place, right between a stop sign and a trash can, their ultimate destination? I wondered why not actually owning the bike would dissolve the social responsibility we all owe each other to make sure that our vehicles do not harm others. I wondered: is the world really this jaded and cold? Don’t you want to apologize?
a. I am sorry that you walked into a JUMP Bike, when you could have walked around it.
b. You should apologize to me for making me take this quiz, which wasted time I could have spent JUMP Biking up and down Thayer Street before literally throwing said JUMP Bike over my head and having it land perfectly in the middle of Faunce Arch.
c. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
8] Will you put your JUMP Bike in the middle of the sidewalk again?
a. Yes.
b. Of course. I have learned no lesson.
c. I will do more than that. I will also put some of those white and blue bikes in the sidewalk, too.
RESULTS
If you answered mainly a’s, b’s, or c’s you are my enemy! Congrats! Lock up your bike at the appropriate venue next time, bucko!
Images via Sarah Clapp.