So you’ve heard there’s a party at a sports house tonight. Only problem? The skinny bouncers posted at the door, relishing their first taste of power since planning Senior Prom, demand a name. You stutter. A million generic names float through one ear and out the other. You’re cold. You’re sweating. The empowering image of performing your first keg-stand slips further and further from your already clouded vision…
But now? Never again. The top five (ScienceProven™) fuckboi names have now been compiled in a single, exhaustive list. Do you know your Dylans from your Daniels by day? Who cares! So long as it gets you into that sweaty dark room tonight.
1. Luke
“Who do I know? Umm. Luke! Luke… he keeps protein powder on his bedside table for easy access? Yeah, Luke! You know! Luke wears an open Hawaiian shirt to parties regardless of the theme? Luke watches lesbian porn but thinks RuPaul is a little ‘much’? Luke gets on AUX only to play his own EDM remix of ‘September’?”
Top of the list; 10-1 odds of admission.
2. Ben
“Come on! You remember Ben, right? Ben wears collared shirts to a pregame? Ben has a collection of baseball caps which he wears out in hopes that a girl will decide to be totally random and dorky and steal one while dancing? Ben, who still talks about juggling AP courses and JV baseball as a grown man?”
Ben is another contender for the best fuckboi name. We give this one 15-1.
3. Jake
Oh, Jake. Classic. You gotta know a Jake or twelve. Jake’s been talking about ‘going Paleo’ for a good three months now? Jake, who wore a Native American headdress to a Halloween party and, as a result, now knows that reverse racism is totally real? Jake? He wears muscle tees to section in the dead of winter? Jake, who doesn’t buy gillette razors anymore?
Yeah, looking for an in to a sports party? Blindly shouting ‘Jake’ at the door behind the bouncers will do the trick, 20-1 odds.
4. Daniel
You know Daniel, the self-anointed ‘bouncers’ know Daniel, we all know Daniel. Daniel wears a Patagonia to raves? Daniel forgot to vote but ‘does his part’ by signing petitions on change.org? Daniel wears airpods in the Ratty? Daniel, who doesn’t like condoms for environmental reasons?
30-1 odds he’ll get you into the ‘party’, 2-1 odds you’ll want to leave it at that.
5. Will
Ah, Will. Uh… you know… Will! He’s my boy! Will shows up still drunk to away games? Will talks about the one time he tried MD like he won an Oscar? Will wears a leather fanny pack to the gym? Will, who you find out (as he chugs grey goose from the bottle) is pre-med? How does he have time for this and his juul addiction?
We give Will 50-1 odds, officially making him not only the weakest link in any group project he’s in, but the weakest name on the list.
So, there you have it. Go into 2019 making your favourite, same, awful decisions with a solo cup in one hand, and this listicle in the other. Live fast and prosper.
Disclaimer: Any reference or resemblance in this article to real live people is merely coincidental and symptomatic of your need for a major lifestyle change. ‘Not all men’ blah blah blah. Bye.
Image photoshopped by Sarah Clapp.