If I had to describe myself in one word it would definitely be “hardcore.” I have never half-assed anything. That’s how I ended up having an affair with an actual bear–because I love Brown University that much.
You may be thinking “what is she doing, that’s disgusting and not even worth the joke,” but let me assure you that I would do literally anything to prove my love for this fortress of intellectual curiosity and academic joy.
To understand where I’m coming from, let me remind you that this breathtaking bastion of academic superiority is the seventh-oldest of its kind and the only member of the Ivy League located in Providence, Rhode Island, the most mysterious and alluring city in the nation. Let me also remind you that not only does Brown offer the rare jewel of the open-curriculum, it also boasts a broad expanse of undergraduate courses, ranging from Hieroglyphics to Molecular Pharmacology. And lest we forget the most important part of the school: the mascot. Bruno the Bear is heaven sent. We cannot–we must not– take him for granted. He with an eternal smile and an endless cheer, he who spreads prosperity and happiness to all who cross him… and Brown also graces us with the presence of many other bears, among which is another top-of-the-liner: a friendly-faced creature of azure called Blueno. Now I hope you’ll see why I would do anything for an institution constituted of so much good.
Which is why the first moment I saw a bear after my acceptance to the college, I jumped at the opportunity to make it my lover. I wanted to prove that I could commit to Brown just as Brown had committed to me. It’s been a year now, and I must say that I’ve never been happier. The love we share is one of an intense mutual understanding and a deep appreciation, a love that many people search their whole lives for. When I started the bear affair, I was sure that it was the right thing to do since it brought me closer to the university. I’ve never had a single doubt. I know how much I love Brown, and being able to be with this bear is just an extension of that love. The decision for me to start seeing the bear was easy, and now that I’m at school the affair has only become easier. I sing to him, he holds me in his arms, I sleep with him. When we make love, we do it in the name of a liberal arts education. It’s the least I could do to show my devotion to and adoration of Brown, but my friends just don’t seem to understand. While they’re out at Jo’s filling their tummies with mozzy sticks before they go work in The Rock all night, I’m curling up with my grizzly lover on an actual rock while I whisper sweet nothings about Christina Paxson’s plans to increase the budget for financial aid. Now you tell me which one sounds like a better Tuesday night. In my opinion, there’s no time like ursine time. If you love Brown as much as I do, becoming an actual Brown Bear Admirer™ like me is the only way to go.
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