At the Rib, we mostly write our content for and about women and anyone who doesn’t identify as a cisgender man. But recent events have got me thinking, and I’ve realized that this isn’t fair. In fact, one could argue that it is complete and utter gender discrimination. President Trump is right. This is a “very scary time” for men in America. So here I am, an equal rights advocate, providing all you lovely gentlemen with the tips you need to stay safe in this fight against the male gender.
Know the stats.
33% of women will be the victims of sexual assault in their lifetime. Divide that number by the percentage of women who lie about being sexual assaulted (2%), and then multiply that by the percentage of women who don’t report their sexual assault (40%). Subtract 9% for the percentage of sexual assault victims who are men, and you have a 651% chance of getting accused of something you didn’t even do. The first step is realizing that women are out to get men. Now that we’ve proved that, we can move on to the more technical tips. That’s just good math.
Burn your belongings.
I’m going to be real with you. We all went to high school. It’s a shame that men can no longer afford to keep those kegstand photos or “best ass in the junior class” lists laying around in their attics, but that’s the society we live in now. Sad!
Make a list of all the women in your life who think you’re a great person. Have them sign it.
Good people to include are your mom, your sisters, your aunts, and the woman who serves your coffee every morning and whom you always tell to smile. She REALLY likes you. This list will be perfect evidence to bring up should you ever be brought to court for something you definitely didn’t do.
Call yourself an ally.
Don’t get me wrong–you don’t actually have to BE one. You just need to look the part in case your character is called into question. Consider buying a t-shirt that says feminist on it. Nothing gets a girl to sleep with you like feminist gear. And if she doesn’t want to sleep with you even after seeing your shirt, just forget her. She’s an ugly bitch anyway.
If you can’t respect all women, at least try and respect the well educated, “credible,” white ones.
There’s a reason Kavanaugh went through such a hard time at his hearing. Christine Blasey Ford was just WAY too easy to respect. Nothing gets people riled up about gender equality like the tears of a conventionally beautiful female with an undergrad degree from UNC Chapel Hill and a PHD from USC. If you don’t want to make as much of a scene, try going a different route with the ladies you approach at the bar.
Of course, this is not a comprehensive list. It is impossible to account for all of the nuances of sexual harassment in a format such as this one. What is essential though, is that you take away the key ideas. After all, you don’t need to not assault women to be a good guy. You just need to find a way not to get caught!
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