Kabob & Curry Naan Addiction Named a Public Health Crisis

Thursday, March 15, 4:00 PM

Blue Room, Brown University

The Center for Disease Control has officially named Kabob & Curry naan addiction a public health crisis and has designated Brown University’s Blue Room cafe as an emergency zone. The lines in the blue room always swell at 4 PM, when the campus eatery starts accepting meal credits. Recently, however, Blue Room employees have reported extensively long lines on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when they serve selections from local restaurant, Kabob & Curry. “These lines are unprecedented in the Blue Room,” one student shares. “I know this is hard to believe, but it’s honestly become an Andrews pasta night situation.” Wait times for these dishes can exceed two hours, but hangry students continue to stand in line.

Early speculators simply credited Kabob & Curry’s high quality flavors as the cause behind the lengthy lines, but after further investigation it became clear that students have become addicted to the naan served on the side of their curry dishes. “After lunch, I usually sit in the Blue Room and wait until 4 PM so I can get my naan,” reports a sophomore student. “I genuinely don’t know what I would do without it. Last week, they ran out before I could get any. Next thing I knew, I was crying in the Rock bathroom and it was 3 AM.” Benign as naan may seem, this could pose a serious threat to Brown University.

Administrators have grown weary of this campus cuisine’s increasing popularity for a few reasons. One, this addiction creates extreme lines that clog all of Faunce–even snaking down the stairs and into the Underground, a fully separate cafe space. The university is unable to provide tours to prospective students due to the massive lines. The masses of customers also put an extra strain on employees, who must work double time to accommodate the crowds, and often run out of naan, leaving an angry mob. Most critical, however, is the genuine threat this development poses to the health and safety of students. “With the amount of gluten intolerance we have on this campus,” shared the Director of Dining Operations, “this is simply too dangerous to continue.”

There is no simple solution, however; removing the naan from the Blue Room will likely cause a student uprising and rebellion against the administration. Students have demanded that Kabob & Curry amp up the supply of naan, as shortages leave them in a state of blackout–many have reported waking up in an unknown location hours after the fact. The owner of Kabob & Curry has told us that he is planning to open a second location, even closer to Faunce, just to deal with the extra business they receive from Brown students. “Without a second kitchen and a second group of employees, there’s no way we can accommodate this insane demand. I’ve never seen anything like this, and on the one hand, I’m enjoying the extra profit, but on the other hand, I’m genuinely afraid of what happens if we don’t meet that demand.”

President Christina Paxson tells our investigative team that she has put together a crisis response team to deal with the situation, and they are deeply opposed to the plan to open a second location. “We’ve never seen students acting like this. They’re acting like animals, and we just can’t have that on our campus,” said Paxson. “We need to take action against this crisis, and increasing the amount of naan we sell is not the way to do that. We’ll do whatever it takes to stop Kabob & Curry from opening a second kitchen.”

More updates to come, but for now–stay safe, avoid the Blue Room, and be aware of the dangers of naan.

 

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