20 Convenient Places to Put Your Anger When a Man Tells You to Calm Down

Ah. The tranquil things in life. A warm bubble bath, a soft blanket, a quiet morning accompanied by coffee and crossword. And oh yes, how could I forget?! Being told to calm down by a cis het man when you are angry. Thank you kind Dude Bro! You are quite right and I sincerely thank you for reminding me that it is silly for me to be angry when I could just…not be. Excuse me while I find a place to set down all of my legitimate and thought-out reasons for my outrage. But where should I stow these emotions, like a squirrel efficiently storing away nuts for the winter? Here are 20 places to put your anger when a man demands you urgently rid yourself of it:

  1. Lick it and stick it in his ear (Anger Wet Willy)
  2. On the coffee table (with a coaster, if your coffee table)
  3. On the coffee table (without coaster, if his)
  4. The space between the couch and the wall, where everyone secretly flicks their boogers and crumbs
  5. Next to that book you keep telling yourself you’re gonna read but never will
  6. In a bowl of cheesy potato soup
  7. In your pants pocket that isn’t a real pocket because it can hold, like, a dime and two jelly beans
  8. In a glass of Alka Seltzer, where it will fizzle in silent glory
  9. Under a fuzzy blanket, tucked in and all cozy
  10. In the polluted depths of the Ohio River where it will sink to the bottom until summertime, when it will be stirred by the wake of pontoon boats carrying drunken middle-agers listening to Bon Jovi
  11. Spread on toast
  12. Beneath the kitchen sink in between a dirty old Magic Eraser and toothbrush designated for cleaning grout
  13. Tucked behind your ear like a flower plucked in the springtime
  14. In your fanny pack, which you started wearing ironically but now cannot part with due to its incredible practicality and your pockets’ aforementioned ineptitude
  15. In the box your refrigerator came in, where your Anger will spend the afternoon flexing its imagination and dreaming its way into new worlds of cardboard pirate ships and carpeted seas
  16. On the compost heap, where it will refuse to decompose and compromise the integrity of your compost (rip fresh tomatoes in the summer time)
  17. In your backpack so that you have to carry the weight of it commingled with the citrus you swiped from the Ratty and your textbooks
  18. Loosely plopped on top of your head like the beanie of someone who listens exclusively to Mac Demarco
  19. In a diffuser, mixed with a blend of soothing essential oils like lavender and tea tree
  20. Anger Wet Willy in his other ear

 

Image via Sarah Clapp.

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