Predictions for the 100th Academy Awards

• Tiffany Haddish hosts the ceremony for the 8th consecutive time.  After Logan Paul hosted the 91st Oscars and hit Paul Giamatti with a dirt bike, all men and all dirt bikes were banned from hosting. Tiffany is the only one trusted for the job now and forever. In ten years, she will be the highest paid comedian ever.
• Guillermo del Toro wins for his Documentary Feature I F*cked a Fish about all the people who saw The Shape of Water and decided to boink a flounder. The doc follows the fish-human hybrid children of these semi-aquatic romances as they navigate an unforgiving world and a very confusing puberty. 
• In ten years time, mediocre Trump-era period pieces will be a dime a dozen. Every actor in Hollywood, from Michael Fassbender to Michael Cera, will have donned a bad toupee and stuttered their way through a retelling of his impeachment and the impeachment of his entire cabinet. The only one to rise above the rest is Where Did Jared Go? about Jared Kushner’s journey to eject himself into space in an escape pod to avoid a congressional hearing. It wins best Adapted Screenplay as it was based on Ivanka Trump’s blog post “Architecting Life Without A Hubby: What To Do When Your Partner Launches His Pale Body Into the Depths of the Cosmos To Avoid Federal Prison.”

• After Best Animated Short went to accused sexual assaulter Kobe Bryant in 2018, the Academy was pleased to nominate non-problematic athlete Ryan Lochte for his stunning portrayal of himself in the biopic Swimmie. “Yes!” the Academy head haunchos say, “We did it! We have the perfect set of scandal-free nominees! It only took a century!” Lochte is arrested for armed robbery, identity theft, public urination, and miscellaneous douchebaggery the day before the ceremony.
• Every time someone goes over their time limit while giving a speech, an ageless Sufjan Stevens emerges from a nest on stage and serenades the winner until they weep. Together, they fly off stage.
• Meryl Streep is not there. The cameras do not know whom to pan to. The winners do not know whom to thank. Everything is chaos. Meryl watches from home, snickering.
• Matthew McConaughey arrives on stage in a driverless Lincoln Continental. “Many moons ago,” he says, “I emerged from an outdoor shower into a barren wasteland of potential with just my pet coyote and a ticket to a Red Hot Chili Peppers show I did not attend. Life is an unnavigable labyrinth and I don’t know where I left my keys. I would like to thank the deities for giving me this award, for I am as humbled as a jaguar before the rain.” He was not nominated for an award for no one had seen him in years. He disappears into a cloud of mist.
• Everyone is on the edge of their seat for the two most hotly debated, most glamorous, most star studded categories: Sound Editing and Sound Mixing. Everyone cares so much that they riot in their seats and set fire to the curtains! Hot dogs are thrown everywhere! People are just ripping off their tuxedos and crushing beer cans on their foreheads! Up 2 wins back to back.
• A recent coup at the Academy has shifted the power to the downtrodden underdogs. La La Land finally wins.

Image via Sarah Clapp.