DISCLAIMER: LOTS OF SHAPE OF WATER SPOILERS!!
Another Valentine’s Day come and gone, another night spent at the GCB loudly slurring “I don’t need a boyfriend! I’m on a hoe journey” while throwing back your fourth vodka cranberry. You’ll wake up the next day with a hangover and the realization that none of the fifteen guys you swiped right on Tinder last night matched with you. So it goes.
And you don’t need that SHIT. You deserve someone who will treat you Right. And I know who it is. It’s the Amphibian Man from The Shape of Water.
The Amphibian Man is the boyfriend we all need and deserve.
I guarantee you by the end of this article you’ll want to trap that fishy ass for yourself (and it’s what you deserve).
He’ll heal your broken heart (and that gnarly scrape on the knee you got from falling down the stairs while schwasted).
The Amphibian Man is some sort of demi-god/magical being who has healing abilities ranging from healing a paper cut to literally being able to bring you back from the dead and give you gills. Did Brett, that softboi from your Anthropology section whom you briefly dated (until he told you he wasn’t ready for commitment), do that for you? No. Brett broke your heart. And the Amphibian Man will use his majestic powers and unique empathetic qualities to heal it. It’s what you deserve.
He’s a great listener.
Sometimes, Brett wouldn’t stop talking about his Game of Thrones theories when you really needed him to participate in some (reciprocal) emotional labor and listen to you vent about your job. But the Amphibian Man is a great listener. He won’t go on and on about how Jon Snow should sit on the Iron Throne because he can’t speak. And he definitely won’t ever say “let me play devil’s advocate” when you try to complain about your crappy coworker. Because he can’t speak. He’s here for you and honestly? It’s what you deserve.
He’s confident but not cocky.
The Amphibian Man is hot and he KNOWS it, but he doesn’t let it get to his head. This is the kind of body positivity you need in a partner. Broody and sexy (listen, have you seen that fishy ass?)– but still emotionally available and interested in the same indie flicks as you.
He’s got a HUGE dick and he knows what to do with it.
Listen, don’t lie, the first time you saw the Amphibian Man you definitely thought “but what that DICK do?” The Amphibian Man may look smooth down there at first glance, but don’t get it twisted! He’s packing heat but, being the modest and humble fish guy he is, he only brings it out on special occasions.
So you’re saying he’s got a monster dong AND I don’t have to look at it all the time? Sign me UP. It’s what I (and you) deserve!
He’s not fussy with food!
Well, okay, this one might actually be a bit of a con. If you and the Amphibian Man decide to take it to the next level of cohabitation, make sure you set down some ground rules before you introduce him to your pets.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if The Shape of Water wins Best Picture or that stupid Brett got his stupid dream finance job. What matters is the Amphibian Man is your new boyfriend and you’re going to live happily ever after. Because it’s what you deserve.
