There is only one thing worse than going to the gym, and it is seeing people at the gym. Generally, we don’t know what to do when this happens so we do nothing. Sometimes it’s okay to do nothing, but that depends on who you see. To solve all of your social gym anxiety – because just plain old gym anxiety is more than enough – here’s a comprehensive how-to guide for properly acknowledging people at the gym with confidence, class, and really bad pit stains.
Situation 1: You’re mid-workout and someone you kinda know gets on the machine next to you.
You have two options – you can act like you’re so into your workout that you genuinely haven’t even noticed his or her presence. This will leave your acquaintance feeling really intimidated at how wild you are on a treadmill. Since you only kinda know each other, you can also get away with acting like you don’t know each other (although “kinda” is really always “definitely” in this scenario). But if you really don’t want to say hi, you can pretend that because you only “kinda” know each other, his or her face isn’t familiar enough to you yet. Like, “Oh! You! I didn’t even recognize you because we’ve only met ten times!”
Situation 2: You’re mid-workout and someone you kinda know walks in front of your machine to get to another machine.
This is way better than Situation 1. Wave. You’ll seem really friendly and don’t have to worry about conversation or thinking, for 45 minutes straight, about the fact that the two of you will be standing a foot away from each other and pretending not to look at each other while sweating out something Justin Timberlake would constitute a river.
Situation 3: You run (potentially literally, potentially metaphorically) into someone you know but don’t like at all and the feeling is pretty mutual.
Ignore each other. I mean, you might as well. If you fake pleasant convo, it’ll be awkward. If you ignore each other but are supremely aware of each other’s presence, it’ll be awkward. So you might as well avoid being fake bitches if poss.
Situation 4: You see a potential love-interest or someone you have a history with from afar.
Firstly, it must be said that you can never really be that far from someone in the gym. The gym automatically puts binoculars on everyone. Watching someone do squats for a solid ten minutes from a 40 foot distance is just as invasive as being all up in their grill. So in this case, unlike the bitch-spotting scenario, say, “hiiiiiiiii!!!!” It’s always better to be the bigger person in the tightest spandex. No one likes a gal that refuses to text first. This is like the real-life version of that.
Situation 5: You walk by/intrude the personal space of a potential love-interest or someone you have a history with who is mid-workout.
Don’t bother them until they take a breather. Respect that space, nod or smile at each other if eye contact is made (Note: if eye contact is ever made at the gym there is NO TURNING BACK. EVER.) and casually walk by. Your muscles are tight and tense. You are straight flexing. Odds are, so is he. Werk it. (And then say, “How are ya?” when you see him while you’re doing your quad stretches.)
Situation 6: You want to acknowledge, a.k.a. flirt with someone.
Don’t just say “Hi.” Like in texting, a conversation that starts with “Hi” will end after the first “nmjc,” because after he writes “nmjcu” you’re just gonna write back “nmjc” and there’s nothing left to say. Make a funny joke about how much of a meathead he is or how skinny he looks. Or, since that can go from 0 to offensive real quick, try my personal favorite: “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.” LOLZ. Or the other classic, “Bro, do you even lift?” That’s not a joke it’s just something I hear people say about working out. Side note – do people even say “nmjc” anymore? IDK. Probs not. W.E.
Situation 7: You see someone you know in the area where people do stretches and planks and things with medicine balls.
Though these exercises induce facial expressions much uglier than those contorted by the elliptical or treadmill, where I can let my bitch face rest with pride, this is a place where you can and should avoid confrontation. Small talk is acceptable but not encouraged. You need to focus on treating your body like a temple and *stretch*.
Situation 8: You see that one person who you don’t know at all but see every day because you have the same workout schedule (a.k.a. a Brown Extra).
Let’s be real – the two of you will never acknowledge each other. He or she will always be That Person Who Works Out At The Same Time As Me and nothing more. I have a theory that the inexplicable sexual tension (or extreme competitiveness) that builds from this relationship could one day end in great romance. But of course this means you’ll have to break the vow of High Intensity Interval Silence.
Alternatively, you can avoid taking your headphones out, or, take it a step further and buy giant noise canceling headphones and pretend like you are, for all intents and purposes, deaf. Then you can just ignore the world.
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