Many can’t resist the perfectly chiseled CGI bodies of those oh-so-sexy Wii Fit trainers. Studies have found that 60% of relationships end due to Wii Fit related fuck-ups. Here are some signs that might help you spot if you have been yet another victim to the irresistible sexual energy of of the Wii Fit game.
1) They insist that a Wii console is non-negotiable for your shared apartment.
Since they aren’t talking about the Nintendo Switch or the latest XBox, it’s just too suspicious. If they can’t accept that the Wii is past its prime, then they are 80% more likely to be having an affair with the Wii Fit trainer.
2) They refuse to play Wii Fit with you.
Despite the fact that it was their idea to have the Wii Fit in the house, this insistence to play by themselves doesn’t bode well for your partner’s fidelity.
3) There’s an unaccounted for exponential increase in Fit Credits.
Wii Fit isn’t that fun. It’s really the most miserable Wii game in existence. Even the Mii Channel or Temple Run are more enjoyable than this fat-shaming scam to get pudgy kids to feel like they are losing weight. Considering you only play it once a month, there is no other explanation for how your partner has accrued 8,000 Fit Credits without some serious adultery happening behind your back.
4) They suddenly develop rock hard calves and impeccable balance.
Just the other day you saw them catching 8 hula hoops with ease, entering a graceful twirl with perfect coordination, while balancing on a ledge and doing calf dips. These skills are only acquired through extensive Wii-Fitting, motivated by an underlying affair with the programmed instructor.
5) They slip out of your bed at night to “grab something from the living room” and return hours later, smelling of sweat and lust.
You can literally smell the sex radiating from their body. They aren’t even trying to hide it anymore. But if they don’t shower before getting back in bed, you are better off without them. Love doesn’t pay for laundry. The Wii Fit trainer can’t either.
6) They moan “Nice balance! Feel your hips working” in their sleep.
Their subconscious mind betrays them, and they don’t know you installed a sleep recorder to catch them in the act.
7) The Wii Fit trainer is #1 on their Hall Pass List.
You thought it’d be a fun game to figure out each other’s celebrity hall passes. But after they respond to your Chris Evans, Zendaya, and Milo Ventimiglia with only the Wii Fit trainer and nobody else, warning signs should be going off..
8) They will only watch the movie Her.
They didn’t like this movie about an unlikely love affair between man and machine quite as much before you hooked the Wii Fit up. Now it seems all they want to do when they aren’t playing Wii Fit is watch Her while taking meticulous notes. This shows that your partner really wants to fuck the Wii Fit trainer, and probably already has—somehow.
9) They announce that they are running away with Gretchen, the Wii Fit trainer
This has definite signs that your partner might be cheating on you with the Wii Fit trainer. If they descend into a monologue on how love knows no bounds while they shuffle around the apartment tenderly placing the Wii, Wii Fit scale, and Wii Fit DVD in their duffel bag, then there is a chance that they are having an affair.
I hope these little tricks can help some couples across the country confront the Wii Fit in the room, and in their relationships. This epidemic of program-human infidelity won’t go away until we stand up and do something about it. My solution to this plague: get them a gym membership for their birthday.
Coming Soon: How To Gift Your Partner a Gym Membership without Being An Asshole.