Have you ever been struck with the sudden and debilitating concern that Martha Stewart, the godmother of lifestyle queens, may have hijacked your mother’s soul and is controlling her every interior design decision? The following is a list of five items you can use to determine if the spirit of Martha Stewart is acting for, with, and within your mom. Martha is a surreptitious infiltrator, but if you follow the right clues, you just may be able to answer the question: Has Martha Stewart possessed my white suburban mom?
1. Candles
Inspect your mother’s candles very carefully. Are they scented? Are they colorful? If your mother has been known to shout, “Unscented candles only! I’m not a whore!” then it’s possible that she has been possessed by the spirit of the Great Martha Stewart. If she only collects tasteful white tea lights and pillar candles, it is even more likely. Pay attention to how your mother reacts in situations where there are scented candles abound. You know that rage you can see in her eyes when she passes by a Yankee Candle store? Yeah. Same.
2. Horses
What’s the only thing better than a horsegirl? A frickin horselady. Dame Martha rides horses. It’s likely that your mother doesn’t. Symptoms that your mother might definitely be possessed by Martha Stewart include the compulsive habit of writing “horseback riding” into her calendar on a bi-weekly basis despite having never (ever) ridden a horse. Yes, a gal can dream, but if your mother is doing this consistently, you should look out for other signs that she has been possessed by Martha Stewart. Other symptoms include sporting riding attire to a Little League game. If you ever see your mother in both a vest (especially a quilted down one) and tall, brown boots, I am sorry to tell you that Martha has definitely gotten to her soul.
3. Pillows
Ah yes. The big kahuna. While it’s true that every white mom in the suburbs nurtures an intense love for decorative pillows, the specific kind she uses might be able to help you determine whether she has been possessed by Martha Stewart. If the pillows are square, large, and stuffed with goose down, this might be the case. If all the pillows are encased in either (1) a tasteful crushed velvet or (2) a natural linen (earth tones only for fucksake!), it is likely that your mother has been possessed by Martha Stewart. If the number of pillows falls somewhere between chaotically excessive and garishly unnecessary, then this is almost certainly the case.
4. Flowers
Martha loves flowers almost as much as she loves pillows. (I said almost.) If your mom refuses to buy flowers from a store, instead picking them from her two-acre estate (read: miniature raised bed) or foraging them from a wooded valley (read: the side of the highway), the most reasonable explanation is that she has been possessed by Martha Stewart. Note that the colors and varieties of the flowers she chooses are also of utmost importance. Greens, blushes, whites, and golds are Martha’s favorites. Heritage blooms are always preferred, while “frothy” wildflowers are tolerated only as accents in arrangements. If your mother’s favorite flower is the David Austen Queen of Sweden rose or the “café au lait” dahlia, I am sorry to tell that she has most definitely been possessed by Martha Stewart. In that case, we suggest you seek the help of a trained professional/exorcist immediately.
5. Tea Cozies
I have one thing to say and one thing only and that is this thing: there is absolutely NO. REASON. why your mother should make seasonal, handmade tea cozies in the shape of woodland animals. I need you to listen to me when I say this, please. If your mother has cut and stitched together felt squirrels in order to place around a pot of tea to keep it warm, she has most certainly been possessed by the all-powerful Martha Stewart. Don’t worry; it’s not too late. There is much that can be done, but you will need to act swiftly. Please feel free to contact me personally if you have any questions. I have some personal experience with this issue and I’ve committed my adult life to help other recovering Martha kids. From my South-of-France-barnyard-themed kitchen to yours, I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
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